A thesis submitted in partial fulfilment of - Etheses - Queen Margaret ...

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Sartre describes how the act of looking at someone through a keyhole (motivated by
jealousy, curiosity, or vice) is experienced in “a pure mode of losing myself in the
world, of causing myself to be drunk in by things as ink is in a blotter.” However,
when all of a sudden I hear footsteps and realise that someone is looking at me, an
essential change occurs in my mode of awareness. Where moments before my mode
of being was governed by unreflective consciousness, now “I see myself because
somebody sees me. I experience myself as an object for the other” (Van Manen,
1990:24).
I am reminded of a statement made by Charles which, I think, not only captures and
expresses Sartre‟s idea but also highlights the way in which each of my three themes in this
chapter (the disabled role, alienation, affirmation) can be regarded as being experienced, if
not simultaneously, then almost simultaneously.
...when I was talking in the pub with Erin and yourself tonight… with every sentence
I wasn‟t thinking oh, I‟m going to say this sentence with a speech impairment… blah
blah blah… now I‟m going to say this with a speech impairment… blah blah blah…
I‟m going to move back, but I‟m moving back in my wheelchair… you know… you
don‟t think… but… when you catch somebody looking at you… and looking at the
effects of your impairment… concentrating on your impairment… then you‟re
suddenly aware… that you‟re speaking differently… (l.6:617ff.)
While Charles had been talking dismissively with Erin and I about the Leonard Cheshire
Creature Comforts advertising campaign, a waiter had come up behind where he was sitting
in his wheelchair to enquire if we wanted any more drinks (l.3:221ff.) While his
consciousness was focussed upon the presence of Erin and I, Charles had been holding forth
with eloquence and humour, pausing occasionally to sip his veneto merlot cabernet 2007
through a straw. In our company Charles was able to be his usual laid back entertaining self.
This relates to affirmation. When he became aware of the gaze of the waiter standing behind
him, Charles‟ mode of awareness changed: he became an object for the other, and aware of
himself as an object of scrutiny, fascination and perplexity. In other words he became aware
of himself as a disabled person. This relates to the imposition of the disabled role. The waiter
– a young man – had hovered behind Charles for longer than is usually considered
acceptable in terms of restaurant etiquette. Presumably waiting for what he considered an
appropriate break in the conversation to make his intervention, relying upon cues and tones
in what was being said, he had been thrown by Charles‟ speech impairment. He had cast a
number of appealing glances in my direction before Charles picked up on my body language