1.5 - About University

Y OU GET THREE CONVERSATIONS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!These three types of conversations are problematic, because they are seldom explicit or out inthe open.The“just the facts” or“what happened?”conversationThefeelings andemotionsconversationThe“who I am” or“identity”conversation➟➟➟At one level, leadership conversations are about getting the facts right—”Whathappened?”—yet under a thin veneer, the conversations are really about:➠ looking for a specific truth—”I’m right and you’re wrong!”➠ determining motive or intentions—”You did that because …”➠ assigning blame—”It’s your fault.”Although leadership conversations often appear to be rational and objective analyses ofthe situation, conversations are almost always, at their core, about feelings. For example:➠ How do I handle my personal feelings as a leader and the feelings of others?➠ Should I surface and talk about feelings, or should I let sleeping dogs lie?➠ How can I deal with gut-wrenching conflict?➠ What can I say here without hurting the feelings of others?➠ How deeply should we get into feelings in a work situation?Particularly for leaders, conversations are always overlaid with role expectations, powerand self-image issues like:➠ Is this conversation confirming the image I’d like others to have of me as a leader?(Expert, a friend, a good person, a hard worker, a protector, honest, and so on.)➠ Is this conversation confirming the role I want as a leader? (In control, respected,aggressive but not hard-nosed, hero, problem solver, competent, and so on.)➠ Is this conversation upsetting my self-image or the self-image of the other person?H OW TO USE THIS LEADERSHIP TOOL“When conversations go awry, we look for causes and usually find them by blaming others or ourselves. Themost generous-minded blame the relationship. … Much of this blame is misplaced. Bad feelings are often theresult of misunderstandings that arise from the differences in conversational style.”—Deborah Tannen, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANTLeaders need to be able to diagnose and read conversations. In this way they will be able todeal with typical conversation difficulties, and also coach others in handling communicationproblems. Keeping the four levels of understanding and the three types of conversations inmind, consider these two examples: a negative and then a positive communication exchange.A NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION CYCLELevel of Negative spiral Suggested strategies for improving thisunderstanding characteristics conversational exchange1. DataYou only hear, see, and feelthe data that supports theconclusions you want to form(your preconceived notion ofthe truth).❑❑Get feedback on how well you listen, and pick up subtle cuesfrom others. Leaders can be poor judges of their ownbehavior. [☛ 12.4 Feedback]Read and apply the self-awareness tools in this book. [Forexample ☛ 6.2 Assumption Analysis, 8.7 Active Listening]SECTION 8 TOOLS FOR COMMUNICATION 233