SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

124 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS
Scoring
For every “a” you selected, give yourself five points; for every “b” ten
points; for every “c,” fifteen points; for every “d,” twenty points; and for
every “e,” twenty-five points.
Add up your score and rate yourself as follows:
5–100: BRITISH DEVOLVED — You fancy enormous hedges trimmed, by
others, to resemble mythological beasts, and typically reside in domiciles
larger than the entire downtown section of Albany, N.Y. Your garden is
characterized by ramrod-straight hedgerows and geometrically precise
pathways paralleled by rose bushes that are trimmed daily with tweezers,
nose hair scissors, and whisk brooms. You employ squadrons of garden
help and thus often wear wool clothing in the middle of July without
discomfort. In fact, you do everything without discomfort, such as
inspecting the arborvitae from the tinted window of your chauffeured
limousine. In your leisure time you are the editor of a prestigious
gardening magazine that would vomit, collectively speaking, if it saw what
was crawling around inside the food-scraps pail currently residing in my
kitchen sink.
You do not even know that the people in these other categories exist.
100–200: AMERICAN SUBURBAN — Gardening is not so much a
pastime for you as it is an exterior decorating skill. You enjoy neatness