SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

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234 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDSwaist, lean back. As with quicksand, you’ll sink if you’re upright, butfloat if you’re spread out horizontally.• Now begin to pull your legs out, wiggling them if you need to. Bepatient — this can take a while.• With both legs free, crawl out of the compost pile.• Quickly hose yourself off with powerful hose stream of water, todislodge any compost adhering to your body.• Then call 911, or have someone rush you directly to ER, because thecompost pile’s decomposing action will have started to go to work onyour body. You’ve seen what it can do to corn cobs and grapefruit peels— it turns them into fine black powder.It sometimes happens that people who fall into compost piles are notrescued or cannot escape. Tragically, their bodies are entirely consumed.Therefore, smart gardeners, as part of their wills, leave instructionsabout where in their gardens they wish this compost to be spread.Usually, they ask to have the compost spread in their own garden.This is a simple thing to do, and it spares your family members andnext of kin the agonizing decision — and potential family-fracturingarguments — about who should get your composted remains or where itshould go.
THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID ABOUT GARDENING 235Did you hear about the gardener who fell into a pile of his fertilizer andsuffocated? They had to do a compost-mortem.— from The SimpsonsBACK INJURYOne of the most pleasing sounds of springtime to be heard all over thecountry is the contented cooing of osteopaths as people pick up theirgarden spades.— Oliver PritchettSPHAGNUMMOSSDon’t even gothere.
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Also from QuipperyAnd more books on
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Quippery LLCFairfield, Iowa 52557 U
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TABLE OF CONTENTSIs Gardening For Y
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THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAI
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Is Gardening For You?One in three A
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Getting Startedfrom The OnionTips F
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Tools of the TiradeGardening requir
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Deciding What to PlantStarting your
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The Plant Passion Testfrom David Ho
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Page 203 and 204: Insects and OtherInpestationsMosqui
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The Great Kale InhaleHot dogs, hamb
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Carrots in LoveOf all the things th
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Return on InvestmentThe first tweet
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AcknowledgementsGreat thanks to the
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Also from QuipperyAnd more Quippery
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SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

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