SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID ABOUT GARDENING 283
Mangoes are even worse, because a) they grow on trees, and b)
they’re about the size of a ladies’ bowling ball, only denser. They’re the
kind of fruit that would be designed by the Defense Department. They
hang way up in our tree, monitoring the yard and communicating with
each other via photosynthesis, and whenever they see me approaching,
they fire off a Warning Mango, sending one of their number thundering to
Earth, cratering our lawn and alarming seismologists as far away as Texas
(“The Silly Hat State”). Even on the ground, the mango remains deadly,
because it immediately rots and becomes infested with evil little flies, and
if you try to kick it off the lawn, it explodes, a mango grenade, covering
your body with a repulsive
substance known to
botanists as “mango
poop” that stays on your
sneakers forever, so that
when you go out in public,
your feet are obscured by
a cloud of flies, and the
Florida natives snicker
and say to each other,
“Look! That idiot kicked a
mango!”
— Dave Barry Talks Back