SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

64 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS
from outer space. And every single one of its beak-like, seed-laden mouths
is thirsty for murder as it cracks open and vomits up a little pile of black
death. Don’t be fooled by those remaining trumpets of color further down
the stalk; that plant is trying to kill itself. Match the sadistic seed-making
frenzy of a hundred prolific petunia plants with a sudden raging case of
green aphids and you may as well hire yourself a NOLA brass band,
because you’ve got yourself one hell of a funeral march on the way.
Petunia. Such a pretty word. So melodic. So innocent. Whatever.
She’s the one committing suicide, but I’m the one with 63 chigger
bites, premature sunspots, and forefinger callouses the size of Guam —
from months of pinching off dead blossoms to stall the inevitable decline
of someone I used to love. But, hey, at least I have the sexiest farmer’s tan
this side of the Skunk River.
This morning, August 4th, a shot of cold air came blasting through
my bedroom window, an intoxicating cocktail of cool, reminding me that
the end of summer is truly not far off. I got ready for my day, drunk with
the happy thought of the sweaters I would soon be unpacking from
storage, tucked away beside my favorite wool socks. Bring on the pies, the
hot spiced teas, and the pumpkin everything. I dearly welcome the
colorful gourds that will soon be replacing the chewed-up flowers on my
porch. Those poor mangled blooms have been a constant, depressing
reminder that the local herd of deer, the hungry zombies of the night,