SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID ABOUT GARDENING 181
Take my wife . . . please
Now if you thought I was a bad gardener, my ineptitude and lack of ability
pales into insignificance when it comes to my wife’s treatment of house
plants. When unsuspecting house plants get dragged back to our house in
the back of her car, they don’t see the outline of a suburban house, they
see the outline of the Bates Motel accompanied by that screeching violin
sound effect.
The reason for this is her bizarre watering regime. She employs what
is known as the desert/mangrove technique for watering. The first stage
of this is to forget to water the new houseplant for a couple of weeks so
that the leaves begin to wilt and the compost dries up. This is known as
the desert phase.
After that there is a sudden guilty rush to give it lots of water all the
time . . . which rushes straight out the bottom of the plant pot. This is
known as the mangrove phase. Similar to a tidal mangrove swamp, the
water comes in, and goes out again, comes in, and goes out again.
This is the pattern of treatment until the plant is thoroughly
exhausted and gives up the ghost.
— Ivor Grump, The Grumpy Gardener’s Handbook