SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

234 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS
waist, lean back. As with quicksand, you’ll sink if you’re upright, but
float if you’re spread out horizontally.
• Now begin to pull your legs out, wiggling them if you need to. Be
patient — this can take a while.
• With both legs free, crawl out of the compost pile.
• Quickly hose yourself off with powerful hose stream of water, to
dislodge any compost adhering to your body.
• Then call 911, or have someone rush you directly to ER, because the
compost pile’s decomposing action will have started to go to work on
your body. You’ve seen what it can do to corn cobs and grapefruit peels
— it turns them into fine black powder.
It sometimes happens that people who fall into compost piles are not
rescued or cannot escape. Tragically, their bodies are entirely consumed.
Therefore, smart gardeners, as part of their wills, leave instructions
about where in their gardens they wish this compost to be spread.
Usually, they ask to have the compost spread in their own garden.
This is a simple thing to do, and it spares your family members and
next of kin the agonizing decision — and potential family-fracturing
arguments — about who should get your composted remains or where it
should go.