SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

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18 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDSyou even want to thinkabout Helianthus annuus?• Do you have the NavySeal-level fortitude towithstand the insanityinducingitch-creamtauntingitchinessresulting from wildparsnip rash — yourdescent into madnesscompounded by notfinding wild parsnipanywhere in your gardenor yard?• Will it bother you to seeyour plants openly and shamelessly having sex, in broad daylight, infront of you and all the other plants?• Without protection?• And often with themselves?• Does pondering this make you think about the Sex Pistils?
THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID ABOUT GARDENING 19• Will you look forward strolling out to your garden to enjoy a tranquilafternoon break from the pressures of work, a languid break in thewarm summer sun, songbirds chirruping, breezes flowing around you,allowing yourself some well-deserved BAM! BAM! industrial airpower staples shoot into the back of each hand straight through yourbrand-new protective garden gloves BAM! a power staple to the backof your knee BAM! another powerstaple to the identical spot onyour left hand. Threemenacing furry objects the sizeof golf balls zero inaround your head. Yousprint like mad awayfrom the garden, yourwhole body aching.Now you circle aroundto the other side to viewthe garden and from 30feet away see threedozen heavily muscled Blackwater-trained black and yellowbumblebee mercenary assassins swirling in a cloud above the groundwhere you’d unsuspectingly bent down to pull stray grass, each ofthem a miniature SuperCobra attack helicopter having constructed a
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Page 9 and 10: TABLE OF CONTENTSIs Gardening For Y
Page 11 and 12: THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAI
Page 13 and 14: Is Gardening For You?One in three A
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Page 25 and 26: Getting Startedfrom The OnionTips F
Page 27 and 28: Tools of the TiradeGardening requir
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THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAI
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The Plant Passion Testfrom David Ho
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Insects and OtherInpestationsMosqui
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Phallic Fungus:Getting Stinkhorn Ou
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Gardening HazardsThe letters of the
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Zucchini ZooZucchini to Feed the Ma
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REPotted
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The Great Kale InhaleHot dogs, hamb
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Carrots in LoveOf all the things th
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Return on InvestmentThe first tweet
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AcknowledgementsGreat thanks to the
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Also from QuipperyAnd more Quippery
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