SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

188 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS
from The Onion
NEWS
Republicans Back Universal Lawn-Care Bill
WASHINGTON, DC — Seeking to make “comprehensive, high-quality
lawn and garden care accessible to all Americans,” a coalition of House
Republicans Monday introduced H.R. 4702, the Hastert-Armey Lawn-
Care Reform Act.
“A healthy, productive, green lawn should be a reality for everyone,
not just the rich,” said Sen. Dick Armey (R-TX), co-author of the bill. “No
American should be forced to endure crabgrass, uneven edges, and poorly
aerated soil just because they can’t afford a good landscaper.”
Under the bill, states would be given financial incentives to provide
residents with well-manicured lawns of uniform length. Working with
designated local lawn-care providers, states would also subsidize turfbuilding,
leaf-blowing, and hedge-trimming services — making
allowances for fertilizer and decorative-bark deductibles — for residents
earning less than $48,500 a year.
“It’s time we took the reins of power from greedy, uncaring
neighborhood associations, who all too often force the private citizen to
shoulder much of the financial burden of caring for their lawns,” Rep.
Paul Ryan (R-WI) said. “How sad it is that we are the richest, most