SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

126 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS
flame decals and chrome hood-locks affixed upon them to express your
patriotic attitude, although you rarely use these vehicles to transport
anything but deceased wildlife and the weapons needed to dispatch them.
You are the mainstay and the backbone of America, particularly that
portion of this Great Land that makes a living from stick-in-the-ground
cartoon characters whose legs spin around with every passing breeze.
You are very likely the happiest people alive on the planet today.
300–400: THE GARDENING MAD — Ah, yes. You are the ones who send
away for worms and stinging insects advertised in mail-order catalogs.
You are the ones who devote yourselves to the love and lore of composting
and its materials; of hoeing and deadheading and digging and planting,
and of thinking deeply about it and planning to do and buy and gather
even more of everything, winter and summer, including, or especially,
large quantities of steaming pig manure, which you consider an extremely
fascinating topic of conversation. You may also believe in such things as
gardening by the moon, holistic blackberry enemas for curing headaches,
and the possibility of a balanced federal budget in your personal lifetime.
You are, let us say, idealistic. . . . Anyway, you are smitten, and that’s all
there is to it.
You may request to be buried with trowel and claw crossed over your
bosom and an onion on each of your eyes.