SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID ABOUT GARDENING 321
from The Onion
NEWS IN BRIEF
Full Summer of Tending Backyard Garden Produces
Single Edible Cherry Tomato
CATOOSA, OK — After months of watering, mulching, staking, fertilizing,
pruning, and spraying each plant, local homeowner Margie Helmholtz
confirmed Wednesday that an entire summer of tending her backyard
garden had yielded one edible cherry tomato. According to sources,
Helmholtz paid more than $280 for soil, fencing, pesticides, and specialty
gloves and hand tools, and also devoted scores of hours to the study of
home gardening, purchasing two books and visiting nearly a dozen
websites on the subject prior to reaping her single-tomato harvest. The
39-year-old woman is said to have spent part of each weekend on her
hands and knees in the searing heat in order to transplant seedlings to her
garden, keep them weeded, and ensure the plants’ thorny vines were
wrapped correctly around their trellises — actions that, taken together
from late May through August, produced exactly one limp tomato
approximately one inch in diameter. At press time, sources reported that
the cherry tomato tasted fucking awful.