SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

182 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS
Nothing works . . .
One year I planted potatoes and forgot where. Another time, I had a
vigorous tomato plant, but it was on the compost heap. For three months
I gave succor to a weed impersonating rhubarb. I tried planting fish, like
the Indians, but none grew. Sowing naked by the light of the full moon
proved to be of no avail; the neighbors merely moved their patio parties
indoors.
— Jeannie Dietz
Ellen’s sure-fire technique
To be honest, I’d be the last person who should be doling out gardening
advice. I don’t have the patience for growing things. Yes, I realize there’s
nothing quite as satisfying as eating food that you’ve pulled up from the
ground and that’s why, at the height of the planting season, I bury cans of
tomato soup in my backyard and dig them up again in late spring.
— Ellen DeGeneres, The Funny Thing Is . . .