SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

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14 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS• Will you feel your relationshipwith your raspberry bushes isone-sided if after spendingthree years lovingly tending tothem, weeding and watering,and, in return, your busheshave yielded a total harvest ofjust four lentil-sized berries?• How would you feel having amagnificent, 20-foot-tall peartree in your front yard,producing bushels of plumppears every season?• And for some unknown reason,these pears never ripen butremain rock hard.• How about an apple tree, whichyou purchase as a sapling from a professional grower with anagronomy PhD, who says this is his favorite variety, it producesabundant and delicious applies, and it grows well in your area?• And your actual tree produces small, hard, often misshapen, wincinglytart apples — apples that are nevertheless attractive to bees, who
THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID ABOUT GARDENING 15burrow into them — and then, after six or seven years, the treegradually withers and dies and you have to have it removed?• How will you feel when you go out to your garden expecting to spend afew minutes harvesting some herbs — and discover your garden hasbecome a racoon latrine, the feces necessitating removal with thesame painstaking care that an elite, highly-trained squad ofprofessionals gives to removing hazardous waste or a live bomb?• Are you on generally good terms with your lawn?• Even when it’s freely welcoming every species of crabgrass and weed?• And when, driven by some invisible, invincible force, it relentlesslyovertakes your garden, to the point where your options are to rototillyour garden and startover or moveelsewhere?• Do you feel thatrabbits are an integralpart of nature anddeserve to have theirnatural needs met,just like everyother livingthing?
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Page 9 and 10: TABLE OF CONTENTSIs Gardening For Y
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Page 13 and 14: Is Gardening For You?One in three A
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Page 25 and 26: Getting Startedfrom The OnionTips F
Page 27 and 28: Tools of the TiradeGardening requir
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THE FUNNIEST THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAI
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The Plant Passion Testfrom David Ho
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Insects and OtherInpestationsMosqui
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Phallic Fungus:Getting Stinkhorn Ou
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Gardening HazardsThe letters of the
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Zucchini ZooZucchini to Feed the Ma
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REPotted
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The Great Kale InhaleHot dogs, hamb
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Carrots in LoveOf all the things th
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Return on InvestmentThe first tweet
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AcknowledgementsGreat thanks to the
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Also from QuipperyAnd more Quippery
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