SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

44 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS
from Tim Allen
My Weirdest Tool
Q. What is the weirdest tool you ever bought?
A. Actually it was a garden shredder. A garden machine, but still a tool,
right? It was a major deal. A freight company had to deliver it to my door.
A big diesel Kenworth pulled up in front of my house and two burly guys
hauled the shredder off the truck. The thing has a twelve-horsepower
motor and is all tricked out. Here’s what it does: It grinds up wood right
on your property.
Okay, my wife did, too. I just wanted to get rid of all the twigs that
had gathered during the year on my little acre-and-a-half. I’ve got a lot of
big trees and they are always shedding. The guy made it look so easy on
the commercial; his hair never moved. After using the shredder, the
young couple on TV put the grounds in a blender and made mulch. They
smiled all the while. You’re supposed to put it on your junipers and
related bushes. Unfortunately, I almost lost a leg trying to start the
shredder because it was so powerful. And then it made so much noise just
running I thought it was broken. So I got scared. All I could visualize was
an index finger getting caught on one twig and then sucking me in like a
guy who gets too close to the jet intake on an F-14. My wife told me she
wasn’t looking forward to tending my bloody stump just because I wanted