SEEDS & WEEDS: The Funniest Things People Have Said About GARDENING

304 QUIPPERY / SEEDS & WEEDS
That’s more than three bowls of kale a minute, or more than one bowl
every 20 seconds. By comparison, most mere mortals require five or six
minutes to eat a single forkful of kale, and some never get even that far.
Kale and hearty
Festival attendees absolutely loved watching the competition.
“It was disgusting,” said Mike Polino, attending with his wife and
teenage daughter and initially drawn to the event out of curiosity.
How about the competitors, elite eaters one and all?
“It got a little stuck in your throat and went up in your nasal
passages,” said Michael Dietz, who has eaten more pumpkin pie and fried
mushrooms in single sittings than anyone alive.
“Just trying to stuff it so fast and not then to get your mouth stuffed,
got pretty hard,” said Eric “Badlands” Booker, who lifted the bowl above
his head, the better to dump kale into his mouth. Although Booker only
placed fourth, he did emerge triumphant in the unofficial contest for who
could slosh the greatest amount of liquid and kale down one’s front.
And the winner, Gideon Oji? “I’m still hungry,” he said, after downing
more than 25 bowls of kale and walking away with $2,000 and the highly
coveted gleaming green metal “Kale Cup” loaded with kale. “I’m going to
go eat some real food.”
— Based on an actual news story. The characters’ names and statements
and the name and location of the festival have not been changed.