Managing Sticky Situations at Work

168 Managing Sticky Situations at Work‘‘I plan to pay for my lunch today,’’ he says with a sniff.‘‘Look. I didn’t mean to make you mad, but you know I can’t affordto pay for both our lunches all the time. I like eating with you and talkingabout stuff at work. But, neither of us makes that kind of money.What do you think we should do about it?’’ (Invites Ricky to talk.)He shifts around. ‘‘I said I’d pay for my lunch today and how ’boutI pay for yours, too. That suit you?’’‘‘I value our friendship and want us to continue to have theselunches. I appreciate your willingnesstopayformylunchtoday.But, let’s just start over from here. Why don’t we each pay for ourown lunches from now on.’’ (Joins feeling with fact.)‘‘I don’t want you to feel as if I owe you.’’‘‘Would paying for my lunch today make you feel better?’’ (Lookingfor resolution.)‘‘Yeah. And we’ll go Dutch from then on. Sound good?’’Adelaide says, ‘‘That works for me.’’ANALYSISAdelaide knew she could not change Ricky’s behavior. When heasked for her to cover for him again, she recognized that he is the kindof person who will always ask or take a little more. It was up to her toset some limits. The beginning of their conversation enabled her toget a better feel for Ricky’s personality type. The way he spoke casuallyabout everything and his relaxed manner about the previous lunchesall suggested he’s an Expressive and not a Bold. Dealing with anExpressive, she used a positive consequence he’d relate to, namely,that she’d like to continue the lunches. She recognized that neitherof them have the resources to pay for two lunches each time they eatout. Adelaide also dealt with Ricky’s defensiveness by asking him fora solution that might work.Specify the Problem. Adelaide did not specify the problem rightaway. When she told Ricky she wanted to talk to him, he didn’t askwhat she wanted to say. Instead he shifted the conversation to himselfand thereby gave away his Expressive personality style.Invite the Other Person to Talk. Adelaide invited Ricky to talk onseveral occasions. The first happened when she specified the problemand asked him when he’d reciprocate. Later she asked him what hesuggested they do to resolve the problem. She elicited a defensiveresponse from him when she asked, ‘‘What I want to know is if I’mgoingtobetheonepayingforlunch whenever we eat together?’’