Managing Sticky Situations at Work

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The Say It Just Right (SIJR) Model 13to each point of view. Mediators struggle to be detached because it isvery hard not to let your biases and expectations color what you arehearing. You can do this, however, when you use the Say It Just RightModel because you communicate with curiosity and wonder. By invitingthe other person to ‘‘tell his story,’’ you listen with curiosity to theway he sees and perceives things. You take that information and combineit with your own. What comes out is the Third Story.Notice in our earlier example with Mary Lou and her boss that sheasked for her boss’s story when she said, ‘‘What kinds of things gotin the way of getting the report out last week?’’ She listened to hisresponse with that neutral, unbiased ear, noting his concern and notjudging him.JOIN FEELINGS WITH FACTSFeelings humanize what we say. When I hear sadness, hurt, or disappointment,I know I’m dealing with a person. When I know I’m dealingwith a person, I am less likely to attack. Be as straightforward withyour feelings as you are when you express behaviors and avoid getting‘‘emotional’’ or using highly charged words.Example: Wrong way: ‘‘You make me mad by never telling me when youare leaving.’’ Right way: ‘‘It frustrates me when you leave without tellingme. It makes me feel as if what I’m doing does not matter to you.’’Remember that your feelings show through in your nonverbalbehaviors. When you do not say what you feel, people still know it.To say it just right you want the feelings you express and the feelingsyou show to match. Thousands of nonverbal behaviors bombard ourcommunication all the time. Being aware of your visual and vocal cueswill add credibility to your message.Some quick tips:• Look the person in the eye, but don’t stare them down.• Stand erect. Don’t shift from foot to foot.• Avoid scowls or frowns that show displeasure.• Don’t fiddle with pens, pencils, or cell phones.• Smile when you mean it; don’t smile when you don’t.• Eliminate the ‘‘um’s’’ and ‘‘ah’s.’’• Use gestures to punctuate your main points.
14 Managing Sticky Situations at WorkRESOLVE THE ISSUENo one likes a complainer. Be willing to negotiate and look for resolutions.Listen to the ideas the other person suggests.Say a boss calls on you and embarrasses you in meetings. ‘‘Now thatwe’ve both shared what we think the problem is, what do you thinkwill help us resolve it?’’ you ask. Once you’ve listened to your boss’sideas, you can insert your own, for example: ‘‘It would really help meprepare, and I’d be less embarrassed, if you would warn me beforeyou called on me during the meeting.’’One tip when looking for resolution is to include what will happen ifwe do nothing or if things remain the same. This component specifiesconsequences to the other person if they choose not to change theirbehavior. Ideally you want to show the benefits of change, rather thanthe punishments for not changing. Sometimes, however, you have nochoice but to show the negative consequences. Regardless of whetheryou choose positive or negative consequences, if the person elects notto change, you must follow through. In other words if you say, ‘‘If Idon’t get a salary adjustment by the end of this quarter, I will leavethe company,’’ and your boss responds that he cannot guarantee thesalary adjustment, you must make good on what you said. You cannotbacktrack. Otherwise you will lose all credibility in future conversations.Let’s look at how Roger applies the SIJR Model in his conversationwith Sandra. He outlines these Decision Points:• Before he talks to Sandra he sets his limits: He will not meet afterhours unless no other time is available to the two of them.• He determines the cost: If he loses Sandra’s business, his company willsurvive. He must find another major client this year, but severalopportunities do exist.• He shifts the power: After rerunning the numbers, which he used tosell his system to Sandra, he recognizes how much value his productadds to her company. He feels confident she will not want to sacrificeher company based on his desire to meet formally rather thaninformally.SAY IT JUST RIGHT CONVERSATIONSeated in Sandra’s office, Roger says, ‘‘Sandra, I am very excited tobe joining your team. I reran the numbers last night and have more
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Chapter 8Sticky Romantic Situations
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202 Appendix 14. True5. False6. Fal
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204 Appendix 1Strategic interviewer
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IndexAdjourning Stage in groups, 10
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Index 211hot seat, 35-39How Good a
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Index 213Teenage Daughter Is Busted
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Managing Sticky Situations at Work

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