Managing Sticky Situations at Work

12 Managing Sticky Situations at Workin general terms, talk in behavioral terms. What did the other person do?Can you see the behavior? Telling someone you don’t like his attitudeis not specific. How can you see an attitude?Going back to our example with Roger and Sandra, let’s look at howeach might specify the problem from his or her different viewpoints:Roger to Sandra: ‘‘It concerns me that you want me to have a drink whilewe are conducting business.’’Sandra to Roger: ‘‘It bothers me that you always pull out your laptop andget right to work before you even say ‘hello.’ ’’Some tips:• Say directly and specifically the problem you see. Do not describe howyou think the other person sees the problem. Instead, specify theproblem in your own terms from your own perspective. You want toavoid using words that might cause defensiveness or that sound as ifyou blame the other person.• Talk in ‘‘I’’ versus ‘‘You’’ messages. I-messages tend to keep the communicationless threatening and explosive. You-messages cause defensiveness.When I say, ‘‘You make me angry or you hurt my feelings,’’I’m using you-messages. Initiate the conversation from the standpointof ‘‘I.’’ This doesn’t mean that every statement must start with theword ‘‘I.’’Roger to Sandra Wrong way: ‘‘You make me feel nervous by asking me totalk about things that are not work related.’’ Right way: ‘‘I’m a private person,and it makes me uncomfortable to talk with clients about things thatdon’t relate to work.’’Sandra to Roger Wrong way: ‘‘You’re so uptight. Why don’t yourelax?’’ Right way: ‘‘I like to build rapport with the people I work with.I’m not comfortable doing business with strangers.’’INVITE THE OTHER PERSON TO TALKDialogue forms the best kind of communication. According toStone et al., in Difficult Conversations, begin your conversation withwhat they refer to as the Third Story. ‘‘The Third Story is the one akeen observer would tell.’’ 7 Instead of beginning the conversationwith your story or with the story you think the other person might tell,begin where you believe an impartial mediator would start. As amediator myself, I learned how to really listen with an impartial ear