Managing Sticky Situations at Work

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Sticky Situations with Co-Workers 59you with professional questions, however, the conversation drifts topersonal things. Help me understand what that’s all about.’’ (InvitesMaria to talk.)Maria shrugs. ‘‘I like to get to know people. I’m a very curious person.Sometimes I can’t help myself. Whenever a new teacher joins ourfaculty, I want to know all about them. No one has minded before. Infact,manyofthemappreciatemyopenfriendlyquestions.Itmakesthem feel welcome.’’‘‘Soyou’resayingyoudothistomakethepersonfeelincludedaswell as to satisfy your need for curiosity?’’‘‘I suppose so. I certainly don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.I didn’t mean that.’’Beth watches Maria and fears she might cry. ‘‘Look. Not everyoneis a private person like me. Maybe that’s it. I’m probably different.I’m sure a lot of people appreciate your warm welcome.’’ She pauses.‘‘I brought this up because I want to work comfortably with you. Iwant us to be able meet up in the hall without any tension. How doyou think we can do that?’’ (Respecifies the problem and looks forresolution.)Maria’s eyes bubble with tears. ‘‘My husband tells me I’m too directsometimes, too. I don’t think you’re that different, really. I suppose Ineed to be more careful. I’m sorry.’’ She sniffles.‘‘I do want to work with you, especially on the May Day programcoming up. You’ve got so many creative ideas. How do you think weshould proceed?’’ (Invites her to resolve the problem.)Maria takes a breath. ‘‘How about you tell me when I ask you somethingyou don’t want to talk about. I’ll try and stay focused on ourwork, but it’s very hard for me. If I go over the line, maybe you couldtell me?’’Beth smiles. ‘‘Suppose we devise a little signal. I like to use signalswith my kids. How about I use the time-out signal?’’ She demonstratesfor Maria.‘‘That sounds great. So, if I mess up, I’ll know right away.’’ANALYSISBeth was careful not to come on too strong with Maria. She prefacedthe SIJR Conversation by saying that she, herself, might be differentfrom other people. In all likelihood she is not. There is noneed to make matters worse by saying no one likes these kinds ofintrusive questions. We want to be careful not to use explosive words
60 Managing Sticky Situations at Workin sentences like, ‘‘These questions are rude or unprofessional,’’ or ‘‘Idon’t like to gossip.’’ Maria was already defensive. Beth used compassionto keep Maria from getting angry. She listened to Maria’s justificationfor her behavior in a nonjudgmental way.Maria admitted she might not be able to change her behavior.Together the two teachers came up with a method to enable Mariato gauge herself.Finally, Beth played on Maria’s desire to be liked. She let her knowwhat she could do to enable Beth to work with her. Being an Expressivepersonality, who wants to get along with everyone, Mariaresponded positively to Beth’s gentle criticism.Specify the Problem. Beth avoided using ‘‘you’’ statements. Shepointed out that Maria’s style and her style were different. Sherefrained from being judgmental, but at the same time, she statedclearly what she found uncomfortable.Invite the Other Person to Talk. Even though it would have beeneasy for Beth to tell Maria what she wanted, namely, not to ask herpersonal questions, she listened attentively to Maria’s side of the story.By so doing, she learned that Maria knew she sometimes went over theline. She, thereby, managed to engage Maria in the solution.Join Feeling with Fact. Several times Beth said she was ‘‘uncomfortable.’’She used a neutral feeling word. Furthermore, she pointedout that these feelings jeopardized their ability to work together. Shemanaged to stay focused and share her feelings even though Mariawas on the brink of tears. Many of us would have backed off whenMaria started to cry. Beth did not.Resolve the Issue. Beth sought a solution that would work forMaria. As the conversation progressed she realized that Maria wouldhave to change her personality style. To ask someone to change whothey are is asking more than most of us can deliver. Beth persisted withMaria until they came up with a mutually acceptable, realistic solution—a signal that made it easy for Maria to recognize Beth’s limits in anonthreatening way.CONCLUSIONAs we’ve seen in this chapter sticky situations with co-workers take alot of forethought. In the first situation, Samantha allowed a bad situationto go on for too long. It nearly ruined a good relationship. In thesecond situation, Laura attacked the problem with Patricia’s deception
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ContentsIllustrationsviiAcknowledgm
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AcknowledgmentsAs a disclaimer, all
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xiiIntroductionis the word that oft
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xivIntroduction4. You supervise a g
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Chapter 1The Say It Just Right (SIJ
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The Say It Just Right (SIJR) Model
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Chapter 8Sticky Romantic Situations
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Sticky Romantic Situations in the O
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Chapter 10Sticky Etiquette Situatio
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202 Appendix 14. True5. False6. Fal
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204 Appendix 1Strategic interviewer
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206 Appendix 2360 By Design®—Des
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IndexAdjourning Stage in groups, 10
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Index 211hot seat, 35-39How Good a
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Index 213Teenage Daughter Is Busted
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Managing Sticky Situations at Work

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