Managing Sticky Situations at Work

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The Say It Just Right (SIJR) Model 11clearly set her limits. She listened to his needs from an orientation ofcuriosity and compassion and suggested a solution that would benefithim. Instead of being angry or upset with him for assuming she’d staylate to bail him out once again, she questioned him with genuine curiosity.Without judging him as a procrastinator, she learned the realreason he delayed getting the report to her.Mary Lou shifted the power base. Even though she’s the subordinate,she showed her value to her boss without allowing him to intimidateher.Mary Lou is on the road to becoming a confident communicatorwho knows how to say it just right.SAY IT JUST RIGHT CONVERSATIONNow that we know the basics of communication, understand theThree C’s for successful communication, and recognize the need toapply the Decision Points, we can say it just right.The components of the SIJR Conversation consist of four parts:Specify the Problem, Invite the Other Person to Talk, Join Feelingswith Facts, Resolve the Issue. When one part is omitted, the power ofthe message decreases.SPECIFY THE PROBLEMWhen you describe the problem, make sure you identify in specificterms what bothers you or what you believe to be true. Do not talkSIJR Conversation
12 Managing Sticky Situations at Workin general terms, talk in behavioral terms. What did the other person do?Can you see the behavior? Telling someone you don’t like his attitudeis not specific. How can you see an attitude?Going back to our example with Roger and Sandra, let’s look at howeach might specify the problem from his or her different viewpoints:Roger to Sandra: ‘‘It concerns me that you want me to have a drink whilewe are conducting business.’’Sandra to Roger: ‘‘It bothers me that you always pull out your laptop andget right to work before you even say ‘hello.’ ’’Some tips:• Say directly and specifically the problem you see. Do not describe howyou think the other person sees the problem. Instead, specify theproblem in your own terms from your own perspective. You want toavoid using words that might cause defensiveness or that sound as ifyou blame the other person.• Talk in ‘‘I’’ versus ‘‘You’’ messages. I-messages tend to keep the communicationless threatening and explosive. You-messages cause defensiveness.When I say, ‘‘You make me angry or you hurt my feelings,’’I’m using you-messages. Initiate the conversation from the standpointof ‘‘I.’’ This doesn’t mean that every statement must start with theword ‘‘I.’’Roger to Sandra Wrong way: ‘‘You make me feel nervous by asking me totalk about things that are not work related.’’ Right way: ‘‘I’m a private person,and it makes me uncomfortable to talk with clients about things thatdon’t relate to work.’’Sandra to Roger Wrong way: ‘‘You’re so uptight. Why don’t yourelax?’’ Right way: ‘‘I like to build rapport with the people I work with.I’m not comfortable doing business with strangers.’’INVITE THE OTHER PERSON TO TALKDialogue forms the best kind of communication. According toStone et al., in Difficult Conversations, begin your conversation withwhat they refer to as the Third Story. ‘‘The Third Story is the one akeen observer would tell.’’ 7 Instead of beginning the conversationwith your story or with the story you think the other person might tell,begin where you believe an impartial mediator would start. As amediator myself, I learned how to really listen with an impartial ear
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Page 8: ContentsIllustrationsviiAcknowledgm
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Page 15 and 16: xiiIntroductionis the word that oft
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Page 38 and 39: Personality Overlay 19BOLD PERSONAL
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Chapter 5Sticky Situations with Cli
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Chapter 6Sticky Situations with Sub
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Sticky Situations with Subordinates
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Chapter 7Sticky Situations in Meeti
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Chapter 8Sticky Romantic Situations
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Sticky Romantic Situations in the O
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Chapter 10Sticky Etiquette Situatio
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202 Appendix 14. True5. False6. Fal
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204 Appendix 1Strategic interviewer
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206 Appendix 2360 By Design®—Des
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IndexAdjourning Stage in groups, 10
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Index 211hot seat, 35-39How Good a
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Index 213Teenage Daughter Is Busted
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Managing Sticky Situations at Work

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