Dissertation - World Federation of Music Therapy

[The questionnaires indicate that you had hard times on the way, but the final
outcome is an increasing curve. Your final scores are more positive than at pre-test.
Does that describe your process?] Yes, I think that is true, even if my health went up
and down a lot on the way.
[The SOC scores are very stable, while the other scores go up and down, and from the
beginning you SOC-score is higher than average.] This makes me think that another
difficulty is to distinguish between how I ’must’ answer (here-and-now, honestly) and
how I ’would like to’ answer (it would be nice, if..)”. I am not always sure how I
chose to answer.. [According to the SOC questionnaire you have improved your sense
of coherence. Does that cover you experience?] Well, I’m glad to hear that! I think I
do experience a development. On the other hand it is rather intangible, I mean, what is
it I am scoring? [Something may change in your understanding of how you feel. Have
you come to terms with some of your problems? Have you been given some tools?] I
think I have. But it comes like in waves. The feeling of disempowerment can be
overwhelming, it is almost like drowning. At a certain time point during the process I
was almost drowning in some of the radiation damages, and I couldn’t find a way of
handling them. But when I got a new problem with other radiation damages after
termination of therapy I found myself able to handle them much better. This is a
picture of how I took something with me and used it in a different situation. [Can you
give other examples?] The feeling of giving up, that you don’t care any more... is
changed to a feeling of not drowning so much, when things are difficult. [’Drowning’
seems a good metaphor to me. And there was a lot of water in your imagery. There
was a certain lake?] I remember after the last session, where I had been ’reaching
high’, that I went for a walk. I walked energetically and climbed the highest hills I
could find. In that way I ’rehearsed’ the image, the feeling of ’being on top’ or ’at
your peak’. But also the feeling of going down to the bottom [of the barrel. This is a
reference to a specific image]. It was very much up and down. I succeded in finding
ways to get up again. At a certain time I had problems with my boyfriend, we were
almost drowning in this and that, but we found the strength to say: ’We don’t want it
to work at any price. It has to be a steady way.’ We shall not stay together because I
am afraid of being alone. Addressing the problem explicitly made it end in a better
way. This is also a way to find inner strength: I dare risk something, even if I am
extremely vulnerable. I found courage to do that [and it gave results?] Yes.
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