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Dampened His Ardor
THE pretty girl of the party was bantering
the genial bachelor on his reasons for remaining
single.
"No-oo, I never was exactly disappointed in
love," he meditated. "I was more what you
might call discouraged. You see, when I was
very young I became very much enamored of a
young lady of my acquaintance; I was mortally
.afraid to tell her of my feeling, but at last I
screwed up my courage to the proposing point.
I said, 'Let's get married.'
"And she said, 'Good Lord! Who'd have
us!' "
Only One Thing for Him
A THREE-HUNDRED-POUND man stood gazing
longingly at the nice things displayed in a
haberdasher's window for a marked-down sale.
A friend stopped to inquire if he was thinking
of buying shirts or pyjamas.
"Gosh, no!" replied the fat man wistfully.
"The only thing that fits me ready-made is a
handkerchief."
A Lesson in History
"WHO was this 'ere Nero, Bill?" asked a
coster of his friend as they gazed into the
picture shop. "Wasn't 'e a chap that was
always cold ?"
"No, that was Zero," was the answer. "Another
bloke altogether."
In These Diaphanous Days
"THE modern girl leaves little to be desired."
"Yc-es. I suppose you have in mind 'if you
don't see what you want, ask for it.' "
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BLOWING OFF STEAM 287
Why Pat Balked
SOFTLY the nurse smoothed the sufferer'^
pillow. He had been admitted only that morning
and now he looked up pleadingly at the
nurse who stood at his bedside.
"An' phwat did ye say the docther's name
was, nurse, dear?" he asked.
"Dr. Kilpatrick," was the reply. "He's the
senior house surgeon."
"That settles it," he muttered, firmly, "that
docther won't get a chanst to operate on me."
"Why not?" asked the nurse in surprise.
"lie's a very clever man."
"That's as may be," the patient said. "But
me name happens to be Patrick."
All Out of Style
WHISTLER, the artist, one day was standing
bareheaded in a hat store while his hat was
being ironed into shape.
• M
An irate customer entered and, thinking
that Whistler was a salesman, tackled the imperturbable
"Jimmie" with "Here's a hat you
made for me. It doesn't fit me in the least."
Whistler regarded him calmly. "You're
quite right," he answered suavely. "It doesn't.
But as for that, neither does your coat; your
trousers need pressing; and your waistcoat is a
crime."
A Mystery
"SHE seems like a reserved girl."
"I wonder whom for."
Perfectly Natural
FIVE-YEAR-OLD Leila was given a teddy bear
with eyes sewed on so crookedly that the bear
looked cross-eyed. The next Sunday, on coming
home from Sunday school, she was heard
to call the bear "Gladly."
"Why, what a queer name!" said her mother.
"Where did you get it?"
"This morning in Sunday school," Leila replied.
"We sang 'Gladly a Cross I'd Bear.' "
Thoroughly Tamed
MR. HEN PECK—"I don't want to butt into
your affairs, Mary, but what am I going to
do this evening?"