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740 ILLUSTRATED WUKLU
on my body the knowledge that it would
take effect was present immediately I
had taken a dose. Morphine produced
in me a state of exaltation. I had that
sense of being alive in every nerve, of
tasting life
with every
fibre of my
being and finding
it good,
that a completely
healthy
young person
with nothing
to worry him
has occasionally
when the
day is perfect.
In a w o r d,
morphine gave
me exactly the
thing I most
wanted. The
only trouble
was that it also
gave me the
very opposite.
When the
sense of perfect
health, of glorious well-being wore
off I went down into the depths.
In one of my best moods, after doing
without morphine for three days, until
my nerves were on edge and my head a
hollow ache, but also after seeing that
tall, fine-faced young man walk by the
house, I worked it all out. I decided
that I would spend twelve or fourteen
hours a day out-doors, that whenever I
felt the craving for morphine coming on
I would jump up instantly and go outdoors.
Full of my resolve, I decided I
would definitely cut off my supply. I
threw all the tablets I had on hand in
the fire. Then I went down to the drug
store. I waited until the druggist was
alone. I whispered to him:
'If you ever sell me another grain of
morphine I'll shoot you."
It sounds like an absurd threat. But
it scared him. And I no longer felt that
I had only to walk into the drug store
m»
to renew my supply. I had raised one
obstacle.
When I got home I went out into the
back yard with a spade to start a garden.
I suppose I turned over twenty spadefuls
before I had
to sit down. I
was so comp
1 ete 1 y exhausted
that I
could not begin
again. The
next day I did
twenty spadefuls
and then
harnessed a
horse. I drove
till noon. Then
I came home
and took the
other horse. I
drove until
dark. I hadn't
strength
enough to take
the horse out
of the shafts.
I had to leave
the poor beast
standing in his harness all night. But
if he didn't sleep I did.
Day after day I dragged myself up in
the morning by sheer will. When it
seemed that I couldn't get out of bed I
got up, dressed, hitched up the buggy
and set out. That summer was one long
physical torture. I made it that. As I
acquired a little strength and energy I
increased my exertions. I did not go to
bed once except when I was tired out.
I wanted to be strong again; above all I
wanted something to occupy my mind
when I was awake and something to
make me go to sleep without the aid of
morphine.
It was a cruel grind, but I won at last.
Today a white tablet—whether it is morphine
or just plain aspirin—causes a
shudder of revulsion to course my spine.
The engineer? That reminds me! I
must get his supper ready. He'll be
home in twenty minutes.