SEXIS WRONG

(Shannon René in “Big Mama and the Superballs.”)
Masturbation has never been highly regarded. “Why are people
so uncomfortable about masturbation?” asked Leonore
Tiefer, author of Sex Is Not a Natural Act, in a radio interview.
“Many religious teachings say it is bad or wrong. And much
sexual discussion is tinged by embarrassment, discomfort,
shame, and awkwardness. Saying or believing that masturbation
is wrong or bad with the authority of scripture behind you
somehow justifies the negativity about it.”
Leonore Tiefer draws our attention to the connection between
the crusades against pornography and the fear of masturbation.
“The main use of pornography,” she says, “is for
masturbation. Everybody knows that. Those who report on,
go on tirades about, and legislate against pornography never
talk about masturbation. They say that pornography harms
people’s minds, warps them, and causes them to go out and
do bad things. They never acknowledge that most people use
pornography to enhance their masturbation fantasies. A lot of
the fuel for anti-pornography crusades comes from anxiety
and awkwardness about ad mitting that people masturbate.”
People go to great lengths to disassociate masturbation from
other sexual expression. Only rarely do we refer to masturbation
as sex or as a sexual activity. There is “having sex,” and
then, separate but hardly equal, is jacking (or jilling) off. Even
the enlightened few who don’t limit the phrase “having sex”
to intercourse virtually never include masturbation when they
think or speak of “having sex.”
Do we denigrate and conceal masturbation because we fear
the judgments others might aim at us if they knew we did it?
Are we fearful that a partner’s masturbation says something
“Those who report on, go on
tirades about, and legislate against
pornography never talk about
masturbation.”
about our own inadequacies or about defects in our shared
sexual experience? Do we judge our selves negatively because
we enjoy masturbating? For most of us, at one time
or another, the answer to any or all of these questions is a
self-conscious “yes.”
Society’s concerns reflect a profound suspicion of any sexual
activity that has no conceivable rationale other than pleasure.
We appreciate pleasure in partner-sex, but in rationalizing
that pleasure we frequently fall back on love, the sacramental
quality of sex in marriage, bonding, or just plain friendship—
not to mention fulfilling an obligation or meeting the expectations
of our partner. Moralists eschew the credo, “If it feels
good, do it,” particularly if “it” has no apparent, redeeming
social benefit.
A decade ago, as I collected the stories for First Person Sexual,
I was struck with the differences between stories written
by men and those written by women. Two differences are
especially noteworthy. Although I asked contributors not to
fill their stories with masturbation fantasies that left little or
no room for describing the masturbation itself, quite a few
of the men did exactly that. I also asked that contributors
not describe a lot of sexual interaction with a partner. However,
a significant number of women (and a few men) did
that. This led me to questions about the places
masturbation holds in the sex lives of men and
women.
Do men who masturbate—virtually all men
do—tend to distance themselves from the
purely physical sensations while they focus on
fantasy? Do fewer women than men masturbate in part because
those who feel too guilty or too fearful simply don’t do
it? Apparently, men masturbate most frequently during periods
when they aren’t having enough partner-sex, or none at
all, while the more partner-sex a woman is having, the more
likely she is to masturbate. Why?
Although some women masturbate before a sexual encounter
to get “warmed up,” men apparently rarely do so
unless they are trying to avoid ejaculating prematurely when
later engaged in sexual activity with a partner. Women who
masturbate are often willing and eager to try new positions,
locations, and techniques for their masturbation, while adult
men commonly masturbate pretty much the same way they
did as adolescents. Why?
First Person Sexual contains this from Robert Morgan about
his early discoveries: “What a concept: 1) put vibrator against
penis; 2) orgasm; 3) repeat until exhausted. (One day I came
thirty-five times just to see how many were possible.)” Masturbation
does feel good, very good in fact, and it does no
conceivable harm. This is indeed sufficient reason to do it—
with enthusiasm, in any manner, and with any frequency one
chooses.
In the course of my years of work at the progressive sex shop
Good Vibrations, I was frequently asked if, given the danger
associated with unprotected partner-sex in these times, people
are masturbating more—and presumably using more sex
toys and fantasy materials.
Are they? Masturbation is, after all, the safest of all sexual
activities. Certainly more sex toys, books, and videos are sold
100 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS WRONG