SEXIS WRONG

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tray these comic aspects. If one of your characters, in a dire moment of passion, hits a note that sounds eerily like Celine Dion, duly note this. If another can’t stay hard, allow him to use a ponytail holder for an improvised cock ring. And later on, if his daughter comes home and demands to know where her ponytail holder is, well, so be it. Step 4 Do not allow real people to talk in porn clichés. They do not say: “Give it to me, big boy.” They do not say: “Suck it, baby. That’s right, all the way down.” They do not say: “Yes, deeper, harder, deeper! Oh, baby, oh Christ, yes!” At least, they do not say these things to me. Most of the time, real people say all kinds of weird, funny things during sex, such as, “I think I’m losing circulation,” and, “I’ve got a cramp in my foot,” and “Oh, sorry!” and, “Did you come already? Goddamn it!” us for the action. Step 8 Remember that fluid is fun. Sex is sticky. There’s no way around this. If you want to represent the truth of the acts, you will likely be required to pay homage to the resultant wetnesses. And I’m not just talking about semen or vaginal fluid. I’m also talking sweat and saliva, which I consider to be the perfume of lovers, as well as whatever one chooses as a lubricant. (Sesame oil is my current fave, but it changes from week to week.) Step 9 It takes a long time to make a woman come. I speak here from experience. So please, don’t try to sell us on the notion that a man can enter a woman, elicit a shuddering moan or two, and bring her off. No sale. In fact, I’d steer clear of announcing orgasms at all. Rarely, in my experience, do men or women announce their orgasms. They simply have them. Their bodies are taken up by sensation and tossed about in various ways. Describe the tossing. Step 5 Use all the senses. The cool thing about sex—aside from its being, uh, sex—is that it engages all five of our human senses. So don’t ignore the more subtle cues. Give us the scents and the tastes and the sounds of the act. And stay away from the obvious ones. By which I mean that I’d take a sweet, embarrassed pussyfart over a shuddering moan any day. You may quote me on that. Don’t cut from the flirtatious discussion to the gag-defying fellatio. Step 10 Remember that it is okay to get aroused by your own sex scenes. In fact, it’s pretty much required. Remember, part of the intent of a good sex scene is to arouse the reader. And you’re not likely to do that unless you, yourself, are feeling the same delicious tremors. You should be envisioning what you’re writing and—whether with one hand or two—transcribing these visions in detail. Step 11 Remember that, contrary to popular belief, people think during sex. Step 6 Don’t obsess over the rude parts. Sex is inherently over the top. Just telling the reader that two (or more) people are balling will automatically direct us toward the genitals. It is your job, as an author, to direct us elsewhere, to the more inimitable secrets of the naked body. Give us the indentations on the small of a woman’s back or the minute trembling of a man’s underlip. Step 7 Don’t forget the foreplay. It took me a few years to realize this (okay, twenty), but desire is, in the end, a lot sexier than the actual humping part. So don’t make the traditional porno mistake. Don’t cut from the flirtatious discussion to the gag-defying fellatio. Tease the reader a little bit. Let the drama of the seduction prime I know this is going to be hard for some of the men in the crowd to believe, but it’s true. The body may race when it comes to sex, but the mind is also working overtime. And just what do people think about? Laundry. Bioterrorism. Old lovers. That new car ad, the one with the dwarf falling off the cliffs of Aberdeen. Sex isn’t just the physical process. The thoughts that accompany the act are just as significant (more so, actually) than the gymnastics. Step 12 If you ain’t prepared to rock, don’t roll. If you don’t feel comfortable writing about sex, then don’t. By this, I mean writing about sex as it actually exists, in the real world, as an ecstatic, terrifying, and, above all, deeply emotional process. Real sex is compelling to read about because the participants are so utterly vulnerable. We are all, 224 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS <strong>WRONG</strong>
when the time comes to get naked, terribly excited and frightened and hopeful and doubtful, usually at the same time. You mustn’t abandon them in their time of need. You mustn’t make of them naked playthings with rubbery parts. You must love them, wholly and without shame, as they go about their human business. Because we’ve already got a name for sex without the emotional content: It’s called pornography. Bonus! Step 13 Read the Song of Songs. The Song of Songs, for those of you who haven’t read the Bible in a while, is a long erotic poem that somehow got smuggled into the Old Testament. It is the single most instructive document you can read, if you want to learn how to write effectively about the nature of physical love. I am not making this up. HOW TO WRITE SEX SCENES 225
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SEXIS WRONG THE DISINFORMATION GUID
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SEXIS WRONG THE DISINFORMATION GUID
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WORKING HARD FOR THE MONEY Some of
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Editor’s Introduction Everything
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Answers M. Christian “San Francis
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minutes of listening to what he’s
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Transcendent Sex When More Than the
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ted in her life made absolutely no
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shattering explosion at the same ti
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On our honeymoon at Sitges and Barc
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My First Fist-a-Thon Tristan Taormi
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Blood Jennifer Bennett I have never
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were real fantasies for him or mere
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The Truth About Sex Bill Brent The
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Love Without Limits Excerpts from P
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without the knowledge and consent o
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that Jack and I were not going to g
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priorities. Was I simply coming up
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per on lesbian hedonism for a class
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Egg Sex Susie Bright In 1966, when
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just one of about ten that the doct
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Baby Love Christen Clifford Before
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literally don’t feel my body anym
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A Middle-Age Manifesto How I Stoppe
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Other expectations also entered my
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wiry hair and wore big eyeglasses t
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Inviting Elder Sex Out of the Close
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hands slide farther down, a startle
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Everybody’s Sin Is Nobody’s Sin
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litical and social consequences. Li
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Key to the Fields Gershon Legman, F
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to volumes on folklore, and resurre
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dealers as a way of keeping first-e
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world. Although explicit, lavishly
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along with bananas, Power Bars, van
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Inside the Cave The Rise and Fall o
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it. Levenson had become a missionar
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to be the first one to go public wi
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ecause of the large amount of chlor
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train from Osaka. From the outside,
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the iron penises to petition the sh
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Rarely do people ask themselves,
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Headquarters of the Archive is a no
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a sensitive issue. Either they’re
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But as we talk further, he appears
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Sin, the Elder Boys Teaching it to
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kinds in public or semi-public has
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ées other than workshops given by
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from men, the vast majority self-de
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First Person Sexual Joani Blank In
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today than ever before, especially
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visceral message, “Everybody does
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Bed Knobs and Broomsticks Fiona Hor
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So the first thing I’m going to t
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Sex and…Drugs Preston Peet “It
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juana but—take heed—this is an
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MDA, I knew I was getting laid. All
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and do sometimes arise from both, p
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you’re in bed and trying to figur
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While my dildo is plugging away at
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But you would be surprised by how m
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The practice of having sex with a s
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tions that last ten to twenty minut
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sits in one of several positions, e
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Rules Dirty Found Found Magazine ha
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Necrophilia Nick Adams It’s a dam
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My First Fetish Or, How I Fought Me
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Profile of a Zoophile Bill Brent In
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me, bug-eyed, going, “What’s he
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paid money to a pet shop, or they m
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1. Except for materials that involv
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institutions. Underclasses often em
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to defuse their explosive power, an
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foreground sex, not violence. No re
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counting reverse cowgirls and doggi
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changed nervous glances. I told the
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Black and Blue New York’s Roughie
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that strikes a relaxed groove throu
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held strong until about 1989, when
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in a cemetery with an Oriental domi
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Avon 7 Avon 7 was known for premier
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the Park Miller. Phil’s last pict
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But I knew that couldn’t be the o
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lot less spontaneity, and intermitt
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ack up, you’re reminded that she
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In order for a shop to avoid being
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Page 175 and 176: Showing Pink Paul Krassner As Penth
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Page 179 and 180: ing and “Fuck my tight pink pussy
Page 181 and 182: omantic partners typically fall int
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Page 185 and 186: Violence as the New Porn Cecilia Ta
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Page 189 and 190: entire henchman population of the C
Page 191 and 192: Some of My Best Friends Are Naked I
Page 193 and 194: cause I’m a former overt out lesb
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Page 197 and 198: In our job there’s nothing that y
Page 199 and 200: ad girl. Reclaiming the bad girl, t
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Page 203 and 204: I was taking the San Francisco Sex
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Page 211 and 212: only thing I could get out was: “
Page 213 and 214: where. He looked up to see my react
Page 215 and 216: “Have you been here before?” I
Page 217 and 218: Close Contact Preston Peet “Need
Page 219 and 220: A San Francisco Whore in a Nevada B
Page 221 and 222: Never talk prices on the floor. Whe
Page 223: How to Write Sex Scenes The 12-Step
Page 227 and 228: Off I went for my arraignment, wher
Page 229 and 230: The gay world took to their new sup
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Page 235 and 236: ates that seemed to be unending, re
Page 237 and 238: The Man Who Screwed Things Up Steph
Page 239 and 240: his survival skills and increase hi
Page 241 and 242: Learning long ago that the secret t
Page 243 and 244: want you to be a man. You must simp
Page 245 and 246: ity. “Just get the paper printed;
Page 247 and 248: exploration, Africanus Sexualis. Al
Page 249 and 250: spring directly from humanity’s h
Page 251 and 252: On Being a Sexmonger Jen Sincero He
Page 253 and 254: that you could catch homosexuality,
Page 255 and 256: The Love Hotel Diaries Ed Jacob The
Page 257 and 258: have to come to a love hotel with y
Page 259 and 260: You’re the only one for me, Ayu!!
Page 261 and 262: thought of. The very language shows
Page 263 and 264: his time talking dryly about senili
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Page 267 and 268: he commands: “Really stick your t
Page 269 and 270: erately displaying their vaginas in
Page 271 and 272: participle, vituttaa, meaning “to
Page 273 and 274: some people with lesions in the vis
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Patterns in Privates Most of my nam
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couple who signed themselves only
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very enjoyable process of sharing f
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know of any research into genital p
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study comparing male and female gen
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Not only does the circumcised man m
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a remedy became the rage. In 1888,
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An American Health Fallacy by Edwar
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The Condom Vern Bullough Technicall
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doms for personal use based on Engl
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Hooray for Sodomy Is the Rectum an
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down, actually: Since the only “f
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Juan is a guy in his late twenties.
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comfort and pain melted away. I mad
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The most intriguing aspect of sex a
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you want a clearer complexion, do n
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store in New York City, Eve’s Gar
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his boss has endearingly, and coars
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tus with which an elite must identi
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explicit texts and images. In both
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marriage as subverting the American
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designates a whole range of people
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Queer Freaks Why Legalized Sodomy I
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circulating material that advocates
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find people who will think I am jus
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Here is a good example of what can
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Burchard’s Medieval Sexual Menu F
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love for you? If you have done this
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eing, a teacher of men and gods.”
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soming,” “the bow,” “splitt
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on his father’s lap. How hard-hea
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A reddish white in color, like the
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1987). 15. Auboyer, Buddha, plates
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Sexual Behavior of Former Nuns and
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golden bells, which are attached by
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Pandrogeny Breyer P-Orridge Editor
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Every SELF you were ever afraid of.
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About the Editor Besides the books
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and Russian. Her influences are J.G
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Susan Davis is a folklorist. She is
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tion (Haworth, 2000). She is curren
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is director, producer, and star of
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ing Assimilation (Soft Skull Press,
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SEXIS WRONG

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