SEXIS WRONG

How to Write Sex Scenes
The 12-Step Program
Steve Almond
Now that I am an internationally famous author celebrated for
my graphic portrayals of amour (see “A Pervert Among Us,”
New York Times Book Review, April 2002, and “How Low
Will He Go?” Us magazine, January 2003), I am frequently
asked how I manage to write such incredibly hot sex scenes.
This usually happens at one of the many celebrity author venues
I frequent, such as the Playboy Mansion Reading Room.
My general response to these inquiries is to laugh shyly and
say, “Look, kid, ask Updike; he’s even smuttier than me.”
terms, which call to mind, my mind at least, health classes
(in the best instance) and (in the worst instance) venereal
disease.
As a rule, in fact, there is often no reason at all to name the
genitals. Consider the following sentence:
“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for my penis.”
Now consider this alternative:
But I must admit that the question is being asked so frequently
these days, and with such delicious sycophancy, that I feel
duty-bound to respond to my public somehow.
Therefore, in the general interest of preventing more bad sex
writing from entering the cultural jetstream, I am officially
setting out this, my 12-Step Program for Writing Incredibly
Hot Scenes:
Step 1
Never compare a woman’s nipples to:
a) Cherries
b) Cherry pits
c) Pencil erasers
d) Frankenstein’s bolts
Nipples are tricky. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes
and shades. They do not, as a rule, look like much of anything,
aside from nipples. So resist making dumbshit comparisons.
Note: I am guilty of the last.
Step 2
Never, ever use the words penis or vagina.
There is no surer way to kill the erotic buzz than to use these
“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for me.”
Is there any real doubt as to where this particular horndoggle
is reaching?
Step 2a
Resist the temptation to use genital euphemisms, unless you
are trying to be funny.
No: Tunnel of Love, Candy Shop, Secret Garden, Pleasure Gate
I’d take a sweet, embarrassed
pussyfart over a shuddering moan
any day.
Equally no: Flesh Kabob, Tube Steak, Magic Wand
Especially no: Bearded Clam, Shaft of Manhood
I could go on, but it would only be for my own amusement.
Step 3
Then again, sometimes sex is funny.
And if you ever saw a videotape of yourself in action, you’d
agree. What an absurd arrangement. Don’t be afraid to por-
HOW TO WRITE SEX SCENES 223