SEXIS WRONG

without the knowledge and consent of their primary partners
are nonmonogamous. Three or more people who consider
themselves to be married are nonmonogamous. Anyone with
a circle of sexual friends is nonmonogamous. People who resume
a sexual relationship with an ex-spouse or ex-lover after
finding a new partner are nonmonogamous. Even people
who choose to have no sexualoving partners at all and remain
celibate may be nonmonogamous.
Over the last several decades a number of words and phrases
have been used to describe specific forms
of responsibly nonmonogamous relationships.
Some of these are polyfidelity, open marriage,
open relationship, group marriage, multilateral
marriage, intimate network, and triad. Other
less specific terms include expanded family, nonexclusive relationship,
intimate friendship, and inclusive relationship.
Polyamory can include all of these, and it is not limited to any
one of them. In fact, polyamory even includes couples who
are currently monogamous but who do not necessarily intend
to remain exclusive forever. One thing that all these types of
relationships have in common is that they are both sexual and
loving or sexualoving, with no separation between the sex
and the love. In other words, we’re not talking about casual,
indiscriminate sport-sex.
Another thing that polyamorous relationships have in common
is that they involve consciously choosing a particular
lovestyle, rather than simply accepting the type of relationship
which is most common in any given time and place. In
polyamory you can design a relationship to fit your individual
needs rather than automatically doing the same thing that everybody
else does.
Polyamorous relationships may differ, however, in their basic
intentions and approaches. Some polyamorous relationships
resemble traditional monogamous marriage in their emphasis
on creating an impermeable boundary around the group, operating
according to a well-defined set of rules (sometimes
called a social contract), and expecting family members to
replace individual desires with group agendas. I call this type
of relationship old paradigm regardless of whether it is polyamorous
or monogamous.
Other polyamorous relationships have a primary focus on using
the relationship to further the psychological and spiritual
development of the partners. These relationships tend to put
more emphasis on responding authentically in the present
moment, allowing for individual autonomy, and seeing loved
ones as mirrors or reflections of oneself. These new paradigm
relationships also may be either monogamous or polyamorous.
Of course, many people these days are in transition
and find themselves attempting to blend elements of old and
new paradigms, as well as monogamous and polyamorous
lovestyles, but these distinctions are useful in clarifying the
direction in which we wish to move.
Another dimension we must consider is the diversity of forms
polyamory can take. In order to do this we need to have at our
disposal language that enables us to communicate without
resorting to conventional words that are judgmental, valueladen,
or ambiguous. To that end, we propose the following
terms.
Next to this kind of genuine intimacy,
most romantic liaisons seemed like
protection rackets.
Primary relationship. Lovers who are in a long-term, committed,
marriage-type relationship are primary partners. Usually
primary partners live together and share finances, parenting,
and decision-making. Primary partners are not necessarily legally
married, but they are bonded together as a family.
Secondary relationship. Secondary partners may also have a
long-term, committed sexualoving relationship. But usually
they live separately, have separate finances, and see themselves
as close friends rather than immediate family. Secondary
partners may take on roles in each other’s families similar
to those of cousins, aunts, and uncles in an extended family
of blood relations.
Tertiary relationship. Lovers who spend time together only
once in a while or for a brief time are tertiary partners. Their
contact may be very intimate, but they are not an important
part of each other’s day-to-day life.
Polyamory can be practiced by any number of partners in any
combination of primary, secondary, and tertiary relationships.
While some polyamorous people object to the whole concept
of hierarchies of commitment and rankings of love (as in the
old Chinese practice of “number-one wife”), varying levels
of affinity can occur naturally. This diversity of form, along
with the realization that identical forms may result from radically
different dynamics, automatically creates a social environment
different from our familiar homogeneous, avowedly
monogamous culture. And this diversity challenges us to develop
ethical guidelines which apply to the quality rather than
the form of the relationship.
What Forms Can
Polyamory Take?
Open marriage or open relationship. These are both nonexclusive
couple relationships, the main difference being whether
the couple is married or not. In this scenario the partners have
LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS 31