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ally, really thin, hideous girls. Finally, you start exclusively dating<br />
really, really thin women who are also hideous and have<br />
tremendous body odor. After that, it’s just a hop, skip, and a<br />
jump to dating a dead body. (Imagine having sex with a stinky<br />
Lara Flynn Boyle. No, wait. Imagine having sex with a stinky<br />
Lara Flynn Boyle after she’s gained about fifteen pounds.)<br />
For every other sexual orientation, there are also specific<br />
types that some people are interested in. Does this hold true<br />
for our confused, corpse-fucking friends? Are there picky<br />
necrophiliacs? I would imagine so. I’m sure that somewhere<br />
out there is a man who has sex with dead blondes only. No<br />
dead brunettes or redheads.<br />
following is a random sampling of some of the 715 things into<br />
which I would rather insert my penis than a dead body:<br />
17. Wet laundry<br />
28. Warm mashed potatoes<br />
312. Cat food (the wet kind)<br />
517. Don King’s hair<br />
601. Bubble wrap<br />
682. The tailpipe of a 1982 Toyota Corolla<br />
Station Wagon<br />
713. Old Faithful<br />
714. Kelly Osbourne<br />
“Hey, I’ll fuck a dead chick, but no fatties! I bang thin corpses<br />
only.”<br />
What about those who are necro-curious? The people who<br />
think they might like it. Can you imagine spending months<br />
or years working up the nerve to commit the deed, only to<br />
discover that you didn’t even like it? And God forbid you were<br />
caught. You’d be forced to wear the scarlet “N” on your chest<br />
without any of the satisfaction of having scratched your itch.<br />
I’m sure the reception for necrophiliacs in jail is not especially<br />
warm and fuzzy. When the necrophiliacs show up at the big<br />
house, all the child molesters breathe a huge<br />
sigh of relief.<br />
At some point the person has to actually make<br />
the switch from live women to dead women.<br />
(I suppose there are female necrophiliacs,<br />
but I don’t see how it would be possible for<br />
a woman to consummate with a dead man. The term “stiff”<br />
isn’t that literal, is it?) What if you find out that your ex is now<br />
humping dead people? Can you imagine what something like<br />
that could do to a woman’s image? What happens to your<br />
self-esteem when you find out your man rejected your warm,<br />
moist, living vagina for a dry, rotting, corpse vagina? How do<br />
you cheer up a friend whose boyfriend has just left her for a<br />
dead body?<br />
During my freshman year at college, one of my suitemates<br />
was an incredibly intelligent, slightly eccentric guy named<br />
Tommy. He was a farm boy through and through. He would<br />
head back home almost every weekend and invariably return<br />
on Sunday evenings with some sort of confection from his<br />
mother’s kitchen. She was an excellent and prodigious cook,<br />
and he always had more than enough to share. I don’t know<br />
how, when, or why this happened, but at some point it became<br />
our inside joke to refer to the various cookies, brownies,<br />
cakes, and pies that his mom would bake as necrophilia.<br />
Your dog might drink out of the toilet<br />
bowl and hump your leg, but would<br />
he fuck the rotting corpse of the Shih<br />
Tzu across the street?<br />
At that time, it was just one of those words that I thought<br />
sounded impressive, but I had no idea what it actually<br />
meant—like lugubrious or verisimilitude. (Go ahead. Take a<br />
dictionary break. Those are two words worth knowing.) If I<br />
wasn’t around when Leon returned to campus, he would just<br />
leave a note on the dry erase board on our door. “Nick, I’ve<br />
got some good necrophilia in my room. Leon.” There was<br />
more than one occasion that found me attempting to explain<br />
to a pretty young coed that she wasn’t about to enter the lair<br />
of the black Jeffrey Dahmer.<br />
In Lieu of Necrophilia<br />
Once I started working on this essay, I asked myself if there<br />
was any way I could ever see myself in a sexual situation<br />
with a non-living person. Obviously, the answer is a resounding<br />
“hell no!” Besides the fact that the very notion of having<br />
intimate relations with a corpse is revolting, there are simply<br />
far too many other objects that I find more arousing. To find<br />
out just how far removed I am from fondling the deceased, I<br />
sat down and wrote out all of the options that I would have to<br />
exhaust before I resorted to a midnight mausoleum raid. The<br />
That brings me to my final point on this sordid issue. Necrophilia<br />
is too good a word to be reserved for describing the<br />
toxic human actions of the species. I say we reclaim this and<br />
other rarely used words and appropriate them for more enjoyable<br />
usage. The possibilities are endless.<br />
“Did you see the necrophiliacs on that redhead?”<br />
“I sure did. As a matter of fact, I almost hydroplaned in my<br />
pants!”<br />
132 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS <strong>WRONG</strong>
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