SEXIS WRONG

having—” and sort of between that and singing, “I
took my organ to the party,” he’s fumbling around
with his fly.... He takes this rather large tool out of
his pants, and he starts to relieve himself—a fairly
steady stream—and he starts talking to his organ
and, by God, he calls the thing Hank. He says, “Aw,
look at old Hank here, poor, poor old guy.” And he
says, “You and I, we’ve been in a couple of tight
places together and we’ve had our ups and downs,
but I want you to know, you old sonofabitch”—
and this is where he starts shaking it off—”that I
outlived you!” 17
And about a woman:
This woman called her clitoris She. Apparently it
began when she became sexually liberated—she
found her own moral beliefs somewhat at odds
with what her newly awakened body wanted to
do, so that it was convenient for her to explain her
behavior as a result of physical urges that she now
felt very strongly in her clitoris. Remembering that
somewhere she had read that adolescent males
were led around by their penis, she decided that
that was what was happening to her; she was
being led around by her clitoris.... [She would say
things like:] “She made me do it; I had nothing to
do with it” (in describing or accounting for how
she had gotten involved in a number of sexual
incidents).
Women sometimes name their dildos
and vibrators.
Sometimes partners join the dialog:
I always talk to the penises of my male partners.
That’s something I always do. I’ve never stopped
doing that. As if, you know, “You go away—I’m
talking to him.”
When we name something, what are we doing? Besides humans,
we name pet animals, vehicles, weapons, and other
special objects. We use these names to indicate a particular
relationship with us and to say that we find whatever-it-is
unique, even an “honorary human.”
He had brought columbines and campions, and
new-mown-hay, and oak-tufts and honey-suckle
in small bud. He fastened fluffy young oak-sprays
round her breasts, sticking in tufts of bluebells and
campion: and in her navel he posed a pink camion
flower, and in her maidenhair were forget-me-nots
and wood-ruff.
“That’s you in all your glory!” he said. “Lady Jane,
at her wedding with John Thomas.”
And he stuck flowers in the hair of his own body,
and wound a bit of creeping-jenny round his penis,
and stuck a single bell of hyacinth in her navel. 18
Like lovers and friends, the genitals seem to deserve special
names because, like lovers—and alone among body parts!—
the genitals can provide a very special pleasure, comfort, and
satisfaction. Lovers and friends are very close to us, but yet
not-us; so, too, our pelvic partners in life seem to be “us” and
“not-us.” And, like lovers and friends, our genitals sometimes
disappoint us. But we always remain attached to them and
they to us, part of us always, yet somehow...unique.
Endnotes
An earlier version of this article was published as “Tom, Dick, and Hairy:
Notes on Genital Pet Names,” Maledicta, 5.1+2 (Summer+Winter 1981):
31-41.
1. “A View Through the Speculum: A Workshop on Vaginal Health
and Politics.” Sponsored by the Elizabeth Blackwell Health Center for
Women. Philadelphia, 17 May 1980.
2. Lawrence, D.H. Lady Chatterley’s Lover. New American Library, 1959:
196-7, 212-4, 283. John Thomas is defined in slang dictionaries as “the
penis; a personification of the penis” in British colloquial speech. (See
Spears, Richard A. Slang and Euphemism. Middle Village, NY: Jonathan
David, 1981; Healey, Tim. “A New Erotic Vocabulary.” Maledicta 4.2
(Winter 1980): 191.) Thus, a man could refer to his own John Thomas or
someone else’s. But Mellors uses it as a proper name,
parallel to Lady Jane.
3. For additional terms and expressions for genitals,
see Tim Healey’s article in note 3 and Hankey, Clyde.
“Naming the Vulvar Part.” Maledicta 4.2 (Winter 1980):
220-2.
4. However: “There once was a man from Montrose/Who diddled
himself with his toes/He did it so neat/He fell in love with his feet/And
christened them Myrtle and Rose.” Here the feet become the vulva/
vagina, thus in a sense, Myrtle and Rose are analogous to genital pet
names. So too, the hands when used for masturbation: Basketball star
Dennis Rodman has admitted to “an ongoing relationship with Judy (his
right hand) and Monique (his left)” (Segell, Michael. “The Sex Men Lie
About.” Esquire, Sept 1996: 68). Indeed, pud-pulling slang in a number
of languages personifies the hand, e.g., go see Mary Fivefingers or estar
casado con la viuda de los cinco hijos. (See my The Big Book of Masturbation.
San Francisco: Down There Press, 2003: 16-22.) Genital pet names carry
over to artificial genitals—women sometimes name their dildos and
vibrators. (Perhaps men name artificial vaginas, but I’ve never seen any
examples.) In addition, some sex-toy catalogs use human names to refer
to particular dildo designs. I have occasionally read about amputees
who named their prostheses, and studying this is on my to-do list of
neat projects. But I have never heard of anyone naming such common
and nonerotic implements as false teeth or hearing aids. A phenom
that could be related to genital pet names is the fact that expressions
for menstruation sometimes personify it, e.g., “My Aunt Flow is
coming from Redfield, Pennsylvania”; “I’ve got my friend”; “Grandma
is here from Red Creek.” See Ernster, Virginia L. “American Menstrual
Expressions.” Sex Roles, 1 (1975): 1-13.
5. Pseudonyms are used for informants’ surnames. All informants were
Caucasian. One woman self-identified as lesbian; the remainder, when
information was supplied, described heterosexual relationships. I don’t
280 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS WRONG