SEXIS WRONG

couple who signed themselves only “Grampa and Gramma,”
taken from the characters in the kids’ book The Tale of Peter
Rabbit. Cute to the max, but so uncannily apt!
Flopsy and Mopsy – breasts
Cottontail – vulva
Peter – penis
The man who called his penis Little Elvis got it from Albert
Goldman’s biography—it seems that the King himself had a
now-not-so-private penile moniker. Another man took penis/
vulva names chosen by a teenage girlfriend and carried them
over into his marriage, to somebody else. A couple of men
adopted John Thomas from Lady Chatterley’s Lover.
Since D.H. Lawrence was British, I wasn’t surprised to read
about a British guy-stripper who gave his business card to a
woman reporter. The name on the card was “Jason.”
“What’s the name again?” asked the reporter.
“Brian.”
have to go, “Ha, ha, ha,” and hope that his mother
didn’t see me turn red.
~
My friends, the Millers, Helene, always called Bill’s
cock The Senator. There was always a chance to
make references in normal conversation; you see,
they lived in Washington, DC.... Well, I know Helene
and Bill very, very well, and years ago...Helene just
somehow made a comment about this. And I said,
“The Senator? What is all this?” And she said, and
she sort of smiled a little bit and said, “Well, that’s
what I call Bill’s penis.”
Similarly, one of the Winston men and his girlfriend took sly
pleasure in referring to “Winston’s good taste” in front of
friends.
Private Language, Private Games. Many people who supplied
pet names used in a sexual relationship spoke of a sense of
specialness and intimacy associated with the names, some
adding that they were very much in love at the time.
“Then who the hell is Jason?”
“That’s me penis, sweetheart. He’s the one’s got all the talent,
you know.” 6 (Was Jason looking for the Golden Fleece?)
Apparently, the impulse to name genitalia extends beyond
English-speaking countries. A polyglot colleague collected
several Arabic, Austrian, Hebrew, and Serbo-Croatian names
known to linguist friends of his. 7
So What’s Going on Here?
Why do some people give names to body
parts relating to sex? 8 As they told me stories
about the names they came up with, I gradually got a feel for
why they were doing this.
Secret Sex Codes. First, the names can serve as a deliciously
secret language between lovers and sex partners or among
other groups of people who know each other well. The chosen
few can have a high old time talking about sex in public,
with outsiders (including parents) completely clueless.
He was a very strong Catholic—very strong
Catholic background. So we would be able to joke
about this in front of his parents. “What are we
going to do tonight?” He calls up on the phone.
“I don’t know, but let me ask Peter [his penis,
Peter J. Firestone] about what he’d like to do.”
Or we would be sitting at dinner, and he would
gratuitously toss off this comment, “Maybe we
could double-date with Peter tonight.” Then we’d
We feel at ease when we use our pet names. It
makes us feel closer.
~
We seldom use the “correct” words like penis and
vagina. I guess Calv[in] and Fur are special names
with their own special meaning, and that’s why
we use them.
“My friends, the Millers, Helene,
always called Bill’s cock
The Senator.”
The large percentage of genitals named jointly (“It just
evolved in the course of our relationship.”) seems to support
the importance of this intimate language function. One sex
manual advises genital-naming for this purpose:
Pat your man’s penis during nonsexual moments.
Give it a pet name such as “John Thomas,” used
by Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley, or name it after
its owner, calling it “Junior”—”David, Junior,”
“Mark, Junior,” etc. A girl I know has long
hilarious conversations with someone named
Penis Desmond—P.D., for short—who answers her
in a high-pitched falsetto voice. This little act is a
fun way to humanize a woman’s relationship to a
man’s penis. 9 [Note Hank Junior above.]
“Fun” is a good way to describe the way people use the
names in intimate, joking conversations and games. I remem-
JOHN THOMAS, LADY JANE, AND LITTLE ELVIS 277