SEXIS WRONG

approach his wife sexually while he is drunk or while they’re
having an argument.
interpreted to include any loathsome disease, including VD
or leprosy).
9. Compulsory Sexual Intercourse: The ancient Jews took seriously
the biblical injunction to “be fruitful and multi ply.”
Therefore, it became the duty of a man to have sex whenever
permissible. There is some dispute as to when a man
had fulfilled his duty. Some said that a man had to have
two sons, and others argued for a son and a daughter.
It is a special blessing to have sex on a Friday night, be cause
this makes the Sabbath complete. If a man marries a woman
and lives with her ten years and she bears him no child, it is
thought he should divorce her and try another wife. She is
A man who becomes a dog-shit
collector can be forced to divorce
his wife.
encouraged to try another man, because the rabbis know that
a woman might conceive children by one man after being barren
with another, as modern medicine has proven.
A man who becomes a dog-shit collector can be forced to
divorce his wife. (This substance was used in tanning leather.)
The man who becomes a coppersmith or tanner can be
compelled to get a divorce, as the rabbis said, for “olfactory
reasons.”
If a man marries and on consummation discovers his wife is
not a virgin, he is duty-bound to divorce her, but the religious
courts made proof so difficult that divorce on this ground was
discouraged.
A man who marries a virgin receives a seven-day honey moon
by law, but a man who marries a widow gets
only three days.
Virgins have to be married on Wednesdays
because the court sat on Thursdays, so if the
betrayed groom wanted to lodge a nonvirginity court action,
he had Thursday morning court to do so.
There is some dispute as to whether a man has a right to
refrain from intercourse with his wife for more than a week,
but certainly not more than two weeks, for she too has sexual
rights. Actually, for the ordinary man, the rule is that he is to
have intercourse every day when legally permissible. If he is a
laborer and that is a burden, he complies by engaging twice a
week. (Donkey drivers who go out among the vil lages to cart
grain get home only twice a week, so that number suffices
for them.) A camel driver must service his wife once every
thirty days. Sailors have the longest statute of limitations—
six months! And if a man who has an occupation which gives
his wife the right to sex every night wants to go into an other
occupation which will cut this frequency, the wife has a right
to prevent it! Except if he decides to become a scholar, in
which case the wife can’t object.
10. Divorce: The Jewish laws on divorce could fill a three-volume
textbook. Here are some highlights:
Technically, only a man can get a divorce. A wife can do this
if her husband contracts boils (this was later enlarged and
Bill Gaines’ 10 Foods That Are
Better Than Sex
William M. Gaines is the founder and publisher of Mad magazine.
He is also a rather substantial eater. This section was
made with loving care and with the assistance of Bill’s livein
co-eater, Anne Griffiths. [Editor’s Note: Gaines died in
1992.]
1. White truffles
2. Fresh caviar from Caspian sturgeon
3. Pennsylvania Dutch smoked sausage
4. Tortellini alla panna with freshly grated Parmigiano
Reggiano
5. Fresh foie gras des Landes
6. Prosciutto crudo di Langhirano
7. Smoked Scotch salmon
8. Peeled Royal Riviera pears with very heavy cream
9. Raspberries with crème fraîche
10. White Castle hamburgers
344 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS WRONG