SEXIS WRONG

hands slide farther down, a startled nurse crashes
into the room. “Are you all right?” she cries. “The
monitor at the nurses’ station went crazy. Your
heartbeat seemed totally out of control.”
Flushed and hot from kissing, I smile innocently
and say I feel fine. “Could something be wrong
with the monitor?” I inquire coyly. [From “Vintage
Sex” by Lin Stevens.]
As we age, we all face natural changes in our bodies, ageist
anti-sexual attitudes in the world around us, and the deterioration
of sexual self-confidence that can result from these
attitudes. The people who wrote for Still Doing It managed to
have a good time despite these obstacles. Some, who were
over 60 when the book was published, had the good fortune
to be younger adults during the sexual opening that we experienced
in the late 1960s and 1970s, and they have no intention
of stopping or even slowing down. Even for those who
were older at the dawn of the 1970s, more relaxed attitudes
toward sex have been beneficial.
During my 30-plus years in the field of human sexuality, and
even more, looking back further to the 1950s and my highschool
and college years, I’ve seen significant improvement
in our attitudes toward sexuality, specifically as they relate
to older people. First, as older people become more independent,
they’re more willing to engage in sexual activity, with
or without the approval of their adult children. Older parents
are increasingly less likely to live in the same house, neighborhood,
city, or even state as their children or other younger
relatives, so they can more readily do as they please away
from their children’s watchful eyes.
Second, there has been a slight but noticeable
improvement in the way the media treat the
sexuality of older persons. Sure, jokes about elder
sex, some of them quite cruel, still abound.
But once in a while a film, TV drama, or sitcom
acknowledges the sexuality of older characters
in a fairly matter-of-fact way. It’s always
a pleasant surprise when it is at least implied (though never
depicted) that an older couple’s sexual activity isn’t limited to
affectionate glances, embraces, and snuggling.
Third, the overall health of older people continues to improve.
We are more attentive to our diets; we exercise more; we
stay better informed about the world around us. In sum, we
take care of ourselves altogether better than seniors did even
a generation ago. Being healthy increases the likelihood that
we will be having sex in our older years, and being sexually
active undoubtedly helps us live longer in good health.
Physicians and other health professionals are slowly but
surely becoming more aware of the sexual issues that may
be raised by their patients, as well as being more informed
about the sexual effects of medical conditions and medications.
Even if they don’t ask their patients questions about
sexual changes associated with health problems, they may at
least offer information, for instance about sexual side effects
of medications or about when it is safe to resume sexual activity
after surgery or illness. Drug testing is now more likely
than in past decades to include consideration of the sexual
side effects of new treatments.
Where health professionals fail to volunteer information
about sexuality, which still happens far too often, I fervently
wish that they would at least be receptive to direct questions
from their older patients (as well as those who are younger).
Of all helping professionals, physicians are the most likely to
be asked questions about sex and the least likely to know the
answers. In the 1970s there was a slight increase in the number
of medical schools that offered some, but limited, sex
education to their students, but now many of these courses
are no longer taught.
It has long been known that many people who become clinically
depressed lose interest in sex. In fact, depression of
any severity takes its toll on libido, in both men and women.
Unfortunately, one prevalent side effect of most antidepressants
is the inhibition of arousal and/or orgasm. So, ironically,
at the same time that anxiety and sadness decrease and the
heart and mind open to new sexual possibilities, the body
often becomes less responsive. Many people who are taking
these medications while in ongoing sexual relationships,
however, are happy to trade off some of the sexual heat they
remember from past years for the relief from the debilitating
I’d love to see a greater openness
on the part of younger people toward
the sexuality of their own parents,
grandparents, and other older
family members.
depressions that had made it virtually impossible for them to
connect intimately with their loved ones.
No story in Still Doing It mentions Viagra or the other erectiledysfunction
drugs, because they were collected before the
blue pill became an overnight sensation. As valuable as Viagra
has proven for many men with serious erectile dysfunction,
its widespread popularity suggests that both men and
women are still firmly in the grip of the intercourse bias. The
public’s passion for this “wonder drug” implies that it’s more
important to be able to “perform” than it is to give and receive
sexual pleasure. Some of the male contributors to Still
Doing It may well now use Viagra, but their essays tell happy
INVITING ELDER SEX OUT OF THE CLOSET 55