SEXIS WRONG

tray these comic aspects. If one of your characters, in a dire
moment of passion, hits a note that sounds eerily like Celine
Dion, duly note this. If another can’t stay hard, allow him to
use a ponytail holder for an improvised cock ring. And later
on, if his daughter comes home and demands to know where
her ponytail holder is, well, so be it.
Step 4
Do not allow real people to talk in porn clichés.
They do not say: “Give it to me, big boy.”
They do not say: “Suck it, baby. That’s right, all the way
down.”
They do not say: “Yes, deeper, harder, deeper! Oh, baby, oh
Christ, yes!”
At least, they do not say these things to me.
Most of the time, real people say all kinds of weird, funny
things during sex, such as, “I think I’m losing circulation,”
and, “I’ve got a cramp in my foot,” and “Oh, sorry!” and,
“Did you come already? Goddamn it!”
us for the action.
Step 8
Remember that fluid is fun.
Sex is sticky. There’s no way around this. If you want to represent
the truth of the acts, you will likely be required to pay
homage to the resultant wetnesses. And I’m not just talking
about semen or vaginal fluid. I’m also talking sweat and saliva,
which I consider to be the perfume of lovers, as well as
whatever one chooses as a lubricant. (Sesame oil is my current
fave, but it changes from week to week.)
Step 9
It takes a long time to make a woman come.
I speak here from experience. So please, don’t try to sell us
on the notion that a man can enter a woman, elicit a shuddering
moan or two, and bring her off. No sale. In fact, I’d
steer clear of announcing orgasms at all. Rarely, in my experience,
do men or women announce their orgasms. They
simply have them. Their bodies are taken up by sensation and
tossed about in various ways. Describe the tossing.
Step 5
Use all the senses.
The cool thing about sex—aside from its being, uh, sex—is
that it engages all five of our human senses. So don’t ignore
the more subtle cues. Give us the scents and the tastes and
the sounds of the act. And stay away from the obvious ones.
By which I mean that I’d take a sweet, embarrassed pussyfart
over a shuddering moan any day.
You may quote me on that.
Don’t cut from the flirtatious
discussion to the gag-defying fellatio.
Step 10
Remember that it is okay to get aroused by your own sex
scenes.
In fact, it’s pretty much required. Remember, part of the intent
of a good sex scene is to arouse the reader. And you’re
not likely to do that unless you, yourself, are feeling the same
delicious tremors. You should be envisioning what you’re
writing and—whether with one hand or two—transcribing
these visions in detail.
Step 11
Remember that, contrary to popular belief,
people think during sex.
Step 6
Don’t obsess over the rude parts.
Sex is inherently over the top. Just telling the reader that two
(or more) people are balling will automatically direct us toward
the genitals. It is your job, as an author, to direct us
elsewhere, to the more inimitable secrets of the naked body.
Give us the indentations on the small of a woman’s back or
the minute trembling of a man’s underlip.
Step 7
Don’t forget the foreplay.
It took me a few years to realize this (okay, twenty), but desire
is, in the end, a lot sexier than the actual humping part.
So don’t make the traditional porno mistake. Don’t cut from
the flirtatious discussion to the gag-defying fellatio. Tease
the reader a little bit. Let the drama of the seduction prime
I know this is going to be hard for some of the men in the
crowd to believe, but it’s true. The body may race when it
comes to sex, but the mind is also working overtime. And
just what do people think about? Laundry. Bioterrorism. Old
lovers. That new car ad, the one with the dwarf falling off the
cliffs of Aberdeen. Sex isn’t just the physical process. The
thoughts that accompany the act are just as significant (more
so, actually) than the gymnastics.
Step 12
If you ain’t prepared to rock, don’t roll.
If you don’t feel comfortable writing about sex, then don’t.
By this, I mean writing about sex as it actually exists, in the
real world, as an ecstatic, terrifying, and, above all, deeply
emotional process. Real sex is compelling to read about because
the participants are so utterly vulnerable. We are all,
224 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS WRONG