SEXIS WRONG

lives in bizarre/creative/creepy ways. For instance, I met a
guy in my travels who has a major foot fetish. He regularly
visits the local Foot Worship Palace, where he pays women
to let him massage, kiss, and suck on their feet. In his day
job, he’s a shoe salesman in a chichi shoe store, where he
gets to slip a variety of expensive shoes onto the feet of
unsuspecting rich ladies, while also fulfilling his desire to
touch and serve women’s feet.
Another important thing that I learned about fetishes through
my research and chats with sexual deviants is that doing a
scene or performing a ritual with their object of affection is
basically an alternative to a sexual act involving genitalia. I
knew that this would be the most difficult thing for me, because
I have difficulty understanding the purpose of a sexual
act that doesn’t result in orgasm or involve my girl parts.
After much research and soulsearching,
I narrowed my fetish
options to three final contenders:
sneezing, amputees, and guns.
with the potential that guns offer. The fact that I’ve been
trained to fear and despise guns and all they stand for (via
hippie parents) makes them taboo—and sexy. And because
they are often seen as phallic symbols, they are objects that
I could work with (though I guess amputee limbs could work
similarly)—guns could be good for sucking and fucking. But
this brings me back to the original problem I have with fetishes—in
adopting a gun fetish, I would be thinking up ways to
get off, but really I should be thinking solely of the illustrious
beauty and danger of the object itself.
I tried really hard to think sexy thoughts about sneezes, amputees,
and guns. I was definitely able to get closest to sexy
while thinking about guns, but then it rapidly became ridiculous
when I realized that I was trying too hard to think sexy
thoughts, when I could be looking at pictures
of naked people and get there much more easily.
Sum conclusion: I’m much better at objectifying
people than objects.
After much research and soul-searching, I narrowed my fetish
options to three final contenders: sneezing, amputees,
and guns.
Getting my jollies from watching people sneeze would be a
low-budget alternative to other fetishes that require elaborate
outfits made of expensive fabrics. Also, it could be fulfilled in
simple yet strange ways—for instance, by spending lots of
time on New York City public transit, where I could vocally
urge on a sneezer and hope that he or she is perhaps a serial
sneezer, with each sneeze bringing me closer to ecstasy.
Amputees, though less accessible and less common than
sneezers, are also somewhat publicly available, especially as
pictures of young, strapping, crippled troops returning from
Iraq are increasingly published in news outlets. Wartime is an
amputee fetishist’s dream come true. The creepiness of this
is obvious, because especially with vets, I’d be fetishizing the
sacrifices people have made for the good ole US of A.
I think I’ve been able to approximate the fetish mindset best
The problem, as I suspected, is that my fetish is orgasm, only
that isn’t really a legit fetish. I tried hard to fit into the deviant
pattern, because I knew that if I only had a fetish, I’d be embraced
by deviants everywhere, and they’d be able to identify
with me and trust me as one of their own. But I guess I have
to accept that I’ve got a mediocre sexuality and a deviant lust
for knowledge.
So my answer to, “What’s your fetish?” I don’t respond. I
do the shifty-eyes thing, or if I’m feeling particularly witty,
I declare, “I like fucking!” But it’s the next assumption that
still raises my hackles and inspires the urge for one-upmanship—the
dismissive reaction, “Oh, you’re vanilla.” Being
called vanilla, a norm, a member of the ignorant masses,
makes me angry, and my ornery nature is what started all this
fetish nonsense to begin with. Maybe I just need to do some
more soul-searching until I find my one and only true fetish. I
mean, seriously, how do people discover that they get off by
sitting on a cake while wearing a diaper? It must be through
research.
134 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS WRONG