SEXIS WRONG

almost entirely of their staccato, emotionally flat dialog. They
alternate single sentences, during which we learn that they’re
each married to someone else. The woman wants the man to
ditch his wife, but he doesn’t want to, nor does he want his
coworker to divorce her husband.
The chapter “10:15” (each chapter covers one minute of that
morning) contains only a dozen sentences in the US version.
It’s apparent that the adulterous lovers are having sex, but
not one crumb of it is described. Graphic dialog is completely
absent. The first paragraph describes the conference room.
Then comes the only action, such as it is, with them “clambering”
onto a conference table, the guy removing his pants, and
the woman doffing her blouse. Suddenly, they’re whispering
sweet nothings to each other (which, as we shall see, indicates
that the sex is over). The brief chapter ends with purple
silliness: “In heaven, there were no thousand virgins, but there
were once two. It’s not only in hell that passions blaze.”
She continues in French, with the
translation being: “I would have
loved to have your father whip my
pussy good.”
I got a copy of the French edition to see what we’re missing.
The complete chapter is very graphic, deliciously nasty
in spots, although it doesn’t exactly qualify for the Sex Scene
Hall of Fame. As with the other scenes starring these hollow
yuppie caricatures, it’s mostly dialog, with little action
described. Problem is, it cries out for explaining because the
lovers’ exchange is extremely disjointed. The action that can
be inferred is confusing, making it seems as though they’re
simultaneously having oral and anal sex. Quite a neat trick.
You have to admire their willingness to go at it. The conference
room is littered with purple corpses, filled with smoke,
and water comes up to their thighs. During the course of their
boffing on the conference table, fax machines boil and iMacs
fry because the temperature is “a thousand degrees Fahrenheit.”
Yet still these asbestos lovers soldier on.
So here’s my translation of what’s missing from the US version.
The French chapter opens with:
“Show me your breasts,” said the dark-haired man
in Kenneth Cole.
Instead of complying, the woman non-sequiturs: “I depilated
my pussy with a laser for you.”
You’d think this would warrant a response, but the man
just tells her: “You will empty/drain [vider] my balls one last
time.”
She responds: “I will swallow you. I want to feel your hot
cum squirt my tonsils.”
He specifies: “Really stick out your tongue so that I can feel
your piercing on my penis head.” (The guy tends to use the
more formal, clinical terms.)
In the fragment of the scene that also appears in the US edition,
he drops trou, while she takes off her blouse. Beigbeder
kindly informs us that “in spite of the odor of the dead and
the atrocious heat, they are very exciting to look at” (“... ils
sont très excitants à regarder.”) Then the action once again
becomes French-only.
Strangely, the blonde asks, “Do you feel my three fingers in
your ass?” The man doesn’t respond, but we can only hope
that the answer would be yes. Instead, he commands: “Raise
your skirt and impale your anus deeply on my dick.” (Yes, he
actually says “anus” (anus), not “asshole” (trou du cul). Not
even hot sex and imminent death can rattle this guy.)
As usual, no action is described, though if we
read between the lines, they seem to switch
to anal action at this point. The very next sentence
has the blonde cooing, “Twist my tits;
grab my breasts.”
Apparently, the guy’s hands travel a bit lower, because he
asks, “You like it when I pinch your clit, you slut?” As always,
no answer.
Apropos of not much, the blonde starts in with Story of O -
style talk: “I would’ve been gangbanged for you. I belong to
you, so you can give me to others.”
Her loverboy immediately picks up on the sentiment, replying:
“Oh yeah, I should have tied you up and punished/disciplined
[punir] you for strangers, and I should’ve buttfucked
your little sister in front of you, you cunt.” (Cunt is written in
English, rather than as con, apparently as an example of what
Beigbeder earlier referred to as “Franglais”—the amalgamation
of French and English.)
The blonde’s next utterance is also in English: “MM fuck me
deep.” I guess sometimes only Anglo-Saxon will do. She continues
in French, with the translation being: “I would have
loved to have your father whip my pussy good.”
“I’m going to fill your ass with hot cum,” the studmuffin suddenly
announces.
“Wow, I’m getting there, too,” the blonde intones, sans exclamation
point. Then: “Afterwards, I WANT to drink your
piss.” (In the text, WANT (VEUX ) is in all caps. See, she really
does want to.)
Now the guy tells her, “Wait, I want to fist your soaking cunt
all the way up my arm. I want to hurt you while I juice.” Then
266 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS WRONG