SEXIS WRONG

I once had a guest at Queen of Heaven who complained that
he wasn’t getting any action. He wasn’t likely to get any, either:
He was a sullen guy with an entitled attitude, the kind of
guy who gives guys a bad name. We didn’t invite him back, of
course (even orgies, as I implied above, are subject to social
control, and the first level of control is the guest list). Before he
left, though, I asked him to do a little math problem with me.
entree into more private parties. If there’s a publicly accessible
club in your area (like San Francisco’s Power Exchange),
by all means check it out, but don’t be surprised to find many,
many curious men and fewer play opportunities than you expected
(unless you’re one of those guys who can get happy
with another guy when there aren’t lots of women around; in
that case, you’re probably ready for anything).
“How many people are in this room?” I asked him.
“Uh, about a hundred.”
“And if you were going to hire sex workers to put on a sex
show for you, how much would that add up to?”
If you go to an orgy and see a guy in the corner, wide-eyed
and stroking his cock, he’s just marveling at how much money
he’s saved by not having to spend 200 bucks an hour times
100 to see the vision of erotic play ranged out before him.
How Do You Find an Orgy?
If you aren’t already on the right guest lists, you have three
choices: Try to get on them, start your own party, or travel
somewhere to visit a publicly accessible party. There are not
many of the latter, unless you’re a gay man. Gay men can
usually find group sex opportunities through the socio-sexual
grapevine of any city with a visible gay community—and this
grapevine now also exists online. In some places you can
even find group-sex options in the gay newspapers.
Swingers’ parties are nearly as accessible; they’re held all
over the nation. The trick is, they’re almost all couples-only,
although many will welcome single women, and a very few
will allow single men to attend. But if it’s your goal to be the
only stag at a swing party, you’d better have better social
That, my friends, is why there’s not
an orgy hall in every town, like there
was in Pompeii.
skills than you do now. Find swingers via contact magazines
in adult bookstores, online, and through their national group,
the Lifestyles Organization.
How can a guy persuade his wife or girlfriend to go to a swing
party? Assure her she’ll probably have a better time than you,
then don’t be surprised (or a jerk) when you find it’s actually
true. Bottom line: If she doesn’t want to go, don’t nag her
or drag her. It’s not erotic (or especially consensual), and it
won’t work. Look for a place you can go alone, or look for a
friskier woman who’d like to check out the scene.
If you’re in a city with a sex-positive community, affiliate with
it. Go to its events and get to know people. That’s the best
The orgy’s biggest challenge (for heterosexuals, anyway) is
this: more men who want to rush down and give it a try, which
results in a gender-skewed room of people in which all but
the most wild-at-heart women begin to feel overwhelmed,
even unsafe. That, my friends, is why there’s not an orgy hall
in every town, like there was in Pompeii.
If BDSM is your cup of tea, go to events held by your local
National Leather Association affiliate; you can find these online,
too. These are not fuck parties, so don’t go unless you
really want to do BDSM. Expect, if you’re new to the scene,
to be required to go through a screening process, probably
including an intro workshop. Some sex parties are beginning
to include these, too.
How Do You Behave?
How would you like to be hit on by someone whom you’re not
sure you want to fuck? That’s how to approach others: Don’t
come on too strong; don’t be pushy; don’t assume the whole
room wants to fuck you. Almost nobody comes to an orgy to
fuck everybody. If you find one who does and you’re in line
for the ride, well, yee-ha! And use a rubber.
If someone approaches you, but you don’t want to play? Remember
what Miss Manners would want you to say.
Don’t touch without asking and getting consent,
and if you spill anything (your soda, your
lube, your seed), clean it up.
Orgies are like no other social space...and yet
they’re just like any other social space. Rules
of interaction and good conduct apply, and they’re not all that
hard to understand. Once you grasp that orgies facilitate sex
but don’t guarantee it, you can see them for what they are:
relationships, multi-person and ever-shifting but subject to
the same sorts of success and failure as two-person relationships.
Go to an orgy, if you go, to see and explore, to experience
the power of sex all around you (whether you’re having sex or
not). To cross the social boundary, you must go there in the
first place, but respect the boundaries of the people inside.
It’s just like real life, only probably a little sweatier and maybe
more atmospherically lit.
104 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS WRONG