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priorities. Was I simply coming up against cultural patterns<br />
that wouldn’t disappear just because I challenged them? If<br />
so, how could I expect anyone else to break through centuries<br />
of conditioning when I couldn’t do it myself? Without the<br />
support of my intimate network and the larger polyamorous<br />
community I’ve been building over the years, I’m sure I would<br />
have given up at this point. Instead, I realized that I needed<br />
to once again let go and allow the process to<br />
unfold in its own way.<br />
And so began another cycle of deeper connections<br />
with old intimate friends and the appearance of delightful<br />
new additions to my ever growing family. I continue<br />
to pray for the strength, wisdom, humor, and clarity to take<br />
up permanent residence in the space of love, which is really<br />
what my life is all about.<br />
Into the bed and out of the relationship. Leaping into bed<br />
with prospective family or network members may seem like<br />
a good way to get things started, but it usually isn’t if you’re<br />
interested in a long-term relationship. The reason is that in a<br />
group of people you’re likely to find some bonds heating up<br />
before others. If you wait until everyone feels ready to proceed,<br />
you’re much more likely to stay in balance.<br />
Threesomes just don’t seem to want<br />
to expand into foursomes.<br />
Out of the bed and out of the relationship. It’s also possible<br />
to err on the side of caution and be so hesitant about getting<br />
sexual prematurely that the natural flow of intimacy is effectively<br />
squashed. Once this happens, it can be very hard to<br />
overcome the aura of celibacy or disinterest.<br />
Patterns<br />
We don’t have information yet on sufficient numbers of people<br />
to say with certainty how most people build their families,<br />
but these are some of the patterns we’ve observed. I offer<br />
them to you as suggestions, not as absolutes.<br />
Two plus two equals three. It’s very rare for three or more<br />
single people to bond with each other all at the same time.<br />
And a single person is often reluctant to become the oddone-out<br />
with a couple. But many stable triads that we know<br />
of, like the one described above, formed when two couples<br />
got together and then one couple broke up, with one person<br />
going off separately.<br />
Twelve divided by two equals two. Another common occurrence<br />
is for an intimate network of mixed couples and singles<br />
to end up with many of the singles coupled with each other<br />
and some of the couples uncoupled. We don’t know of any intimate<br />
networks that have transformed into group marriages,<br />
but it is common for people to end up trading partners.<br />
Three plus one equals three. Threesomes just don’t seem to<br />
want to expand into foursomes. This holds true especially<br />
when adding a baby to a triad. This is not to say you can’t do<br />
it, but it can be rocky, especially if there are unresolved issues<br />
about biological parentage.<br />
Shopping lists are toilet paper. It’s become popular in some<br />
circles to compare shopping lists or social contracts as a way<br />
of screening potential partners. While comparing values and<br />
lifestyles is undoubtedly important, the reality is that most of<br />
us aren’t totally conscious about who we are and what we<br />
want and need—especially in the unfamiliar territory of responsible<br />
nonmonogamy. This is why so many matches work<br />
only on paper and not in person. It’s not unusual for people<br />
to end up with partners who are the exact opposite of what<br />
they said they wanted.<br />
If A=B and A=C, B does not necessarily equal C. This is another<br />
case of real life refusing to conform to theory. As much<br />
as we would like the people we love to love each other, often<br />
they do not. You may choose to expect a miracle, but don’t<br />
count on all your lovers understanding what you see in the<br />
others.<br />
Same-gender relationships are all-powerful. Whether you are<br />
gay, straight, bisexual, or don’t know, you need to recognize<br />
that the quality of your family life will be determined by the<br />
quality of the same-gender bonding. This bonding can express<br />
itself in many ways, so long as it occurs. If homophobia<br />
is allowed to remain an unexamined shadow issue, it may<br />
well sabotage your best efforts. Even where homophobia is<br />
not an issue, same-gender bonding can be very delicate and<br />
needs sensitive care and nurturing.<br />
LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS 35
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