SEXIS WRONG

Patterns in Privates
Most of my name collection did sort itself into categories.
About 6% somehow come from the name of the person
whose body it is—let’s call them the “owner.” For example:
Penis
Chuck – owner’s middle name is Charles
Goolie – short for Guillermo, “William” in Italian; owner’s
name is Bill
Hank Junior – owner’s name is Hank
Little Willy – owner’s name is Bill
Peter J. Firestone – Firestone is the surname of the owner
Maxwell’s Silver Hammer – from the Beatles’ song;
Maxwell is the name of the owner
The Wilder Williams – Williams is the surname of the
owner
Vulva
Little Joanie – owner’s name is Joan
The largest group, about 51%, corresponds to normal persontype
first names other than the owner’s. Not a few sound
unusual or old-fashioned:
Penis
George
Penis
Sniffles – while examining a genital discharge, the doctor
said that “maybe it had caught a cold”
Gnarled Tree Trunk – penis is heavily veined
The Little Mushroom – from the shape of the glans (the
head of the penis)
Mexican Hairless – owner had little pubic hair
Vulva
Furry Rabbit
Fur
Hot and Juicy
Pink
Wonderland
Clitoris
Sweet Pea
Another large category, about 32%, comes from jokes or
catchphrases, usually alluding to erections or sex:
Penis
Chunky – “open wide for a Chunky” was a slogan for a
brand of candy bar
Lazarus – it rises from the dead
Mortimer
Zeke
Vulva
Eunice
You sure don’t see chirpy little booklets in
supermarkets next to those name-the-baby
guides, say, something like
1001 Nifty Names for Naughty Bits.
Miranda
Breasts
Jackie and Jill
Myra and Myrtle
A few people borrow names from celebrities:
Little Elvis – penis
Little Richard – penis; owner’s name is not Richard or
Dick
Sophia – vulva, after Sophia Loren, “the most beautiful
woman in the world”
About 11% of the names are based on some characteristic of
the genitals, real or attributed:
Omar the Tentmaker – makes tents out of sheets
Owl – stays up all night
Winston – from the cigarette ad jingle: “Winston tastes
good/Like a cigarette should”
Vulva
Fancy – as in, “tickle your…”
Rochester – city where owner lost her virginity
Virginia – from slogan of the state, “Virginia is for lovers”
(also: similarity to the word vagina and play on the word
virgin)
About 11% are variations of common terms for genitals:
JOHN THOMAS, LADY JANE, AND LITTLE ELVIS 275