SEXIS WRONG

Thumping in the Bible
A Brief Introduction to Sex in the Old Testament
Jack Murnighan
I think it was Umberto Eco who said that he dreaded reading
the Bible as a teenager until he discovered how much sex
was in it. He has a point: Not too far into Genesis (2), God
says, “It is not good for a man to be alone” (a belief I’ve long
subscribed to), and first he makes the animals, then Eve. I’d
rather not comment on the order of these events—the implications
are clear to those who want them to be clear—I’d
rather point out that Adam gets a partner in Eden faster than
most of us would in a sex addicts’ convention.
And such is the nature of the Bible as a whole: Couplings
are common, incest omnipresent, and innuendo aplenty. The
So much happens so fast in the Bible
that reading it for naughty bits is like
trying to distinguish body parts in
scrambled adult channels on TV.
Good Book does not lack for good parts, especially the Old
Testament; you just have to sift through endless lists of progeny
and litanies of the scourges inflicted on the Israelites to
get to them.
Take the story of Abraham and Sarah (originally Abram and
Sarai), the second example of sex in Genesis. In the course of
a few chapters, Sarah, while pretending to be Abram’s sister
to protect him, gets abducted into the Pharaoh’s harem (bad
Pharaoh, bad Pharaoh), proves herself to Abraham’s half-sister,
gets released, then gets taken into Abimelech’s harem
(who is warned by God not to go near her), gets released,
convinces Abraham to have a baby (Ishmael) with the maid
Hagar, and eventually has a baby (Isaac) with him herself. So
much happens so fast in the Bible that reading it for naughty
bits is like trying to distinguish body parts in scrambled adult
channels on TV. If your attention wavers for even an instant,
you risk missing the enchilada.
Amid all the wham-bam sex tales in the early books of the
Old Testament, the most interesting involve Lot and his
daughters. Lot, you’ll remember, was the one man in Sodom
that the l o r d decided to save from the fire and brimstone.
So he sends two angels to Lot’s house to warn him of the
destruction and give him instructions for getting himself and
his family out of Dodge.
Now, the inhabitants of Sodom were not called Sodomites
for nothing, so when they see the two male angels—certified
hotties—going into Lot’s house, they want a
piece of the action. “Both old and young, all the
people from every quarter” circle around Lot’s
house, banging on his door, calling, “Where
are the men which came in to thee this night?
Bring them to us that we may know them.”
Among the fabulous euphemisms for sex in the King James
translation, “to know” is one of my favorites. I envision a mob
of sex fiends hemmed in around Enrique Inglesias, screaming,
“We want to know you; we just want to know you.” You
get the point.
Lot realizes he has a difficult situation on his hands. So he
goes out to the throng, locking the door behind him, and
says:
I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly. Behold
now, I have two daughters which have not known
man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you,
and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only
unto these men do nothing; for therefore came
they under the shadow of my roof.
324 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX IS WRONG