Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

The final characteristic of Rogers’ three parts to self-concept is the ideal-self. 10 Theis the
version of yourself that you would like to be, which is created through our life experiences, cultural demands,
and expectations of others. The real-self, on the other hand, is the person you are. The ideal-self
is perfect, flawless, and, ultimately, completely unrealistic. When an individual’s real-self and ideal-self
are not remotely similar, someone needs to think through if that idealized version of one’s self is attainable.
It’s also important to know that our ideal-self is continuously evolving. How many of us wanted to
be firefighters, police officers, or astronauts as kids? Some of you may still want to be one of these, but
most of us had our ideal-self evolve.
Three Self’s Working Together
Now that we’ve looked at the three parts of Carl Rogers’ theory of self-concept, let’s discuss how they
all work together to create one’s self-concept. Rogers’ theory of self-concept also looks at a concept we
discussed in Chapter 2 when we discussed Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Specifically, the idea
of self-actualization. In Rogers’ view, self-actualization cannot happen when an individual’s self-image,
self-worth, and ideal-self have no overlap.
As you can see in Figure 3.1, on the left side, you have the three parts of self-concept as very distinct
in this individual, which is why it’s called incongruent, or the three are not compatible with each other.
In this case, someone’s self-image and ideal-self may have nothing in common, and this person views
themself as having no self-worth. When someone has this type of incongruence, they are likely to exhibit
other psychological problems. On the other hand, when someone’s self-image, ideal-self, and self-worth
overlap, that person is considered congruent because the three parts of self-concept overlap and are
compatible with each other. The more this overlap grows, the greater the likelihood someone will be able
to self-actualize. Rogers believed that self-actualization was an important part of self-concept because until
a person self-actualizes, then he/she/they will be out of balance with how he/she/they relate to the world
and with others.
In 1902, Charles Horton Cooley wrote Human Nature and the Social Order. In this book, Cooley
introduced a concept called the looking-glass self: “Each to each a looking-glass / Reflects the other that
doth pass” 11 Although the term “looking-glass” isn’t used very often in today’s modern tongue, it means a
mirror. Cooley argues, when we are looking to a mirror, we also think about how others view us and the
judgments they make about us. Cooley ultimately posed three postulates:
1. Actors learn about themselves in every situation by exercising their imagination to reflect on their
social performance.
2. Actors next imagine what those others must think of them. In other words, actors imagine the
others’ evaluations of the actor’s performance.
3. The actor experiences an affective reaction to the imagined evaluation of the other. 12
In Figure 3.2, we see an illustration of this basic idea. You have a figure standing before four glass
panes. In the left-most mirror, the figure has devil horns; in the second, a pasted on a fake smile; in the
third, a tie; and in the last one, a halo. Maybe the figure’s ex sees the devil, his friends and family think
the figure is always happy, the figure’s coworkers see a professional, and the figure’s parents/guardians
see their little angel. Along with each of these ideas, there are inherent judgments. And, not all of these
judgments are necessarily accurate, but we still come to understand and know ourselves based on our
perceptions of these judgments.
Ultimately, our self-image is shaped through our interactions with others, but only through the
mediation of our minds. At the same time, because we perceive that others are judging us, we also tend
to shape our façade to go along with that perception. For example, if you work in the customer service
77
Interpersonal Communication