Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

14.1 Destructive Relationship Behaviors
Learning
4. Explain hurtful messages and reactions to hurtful messages.
Outcomes
1. Familiarize yourself with the concept of secret testing.
Very often, in relationships, individuals seek to understand the nature or state of their relationship. The
most direct way to understand a relationship is to talk about it, but sometimes the timing doesn’t seem
right. Perhaps it’s too soon, or maybe the relational partner is squeamish about talking. Regardless,
individuals experience a great deal of uncertainty about the nature of the relationship. Uncertainty also
exists when relationships seem to be headed toward termination.
Humans engage in intrapersonal communication in which we think about how our dating partner
feels about us or about whether the individual wishes to continue in the relationship. A great deal of time
may be spent thinking about how the relationship partner feels. If you have ever called a friend to ask
your friend’s opinion about how your boyfriend or girlfriend feels about you, then you are engaging in
information seeking about your relationship. In the early stages of relationships, the relational partners
may not share the same definition of the relationship 1 . As a result, one or both relational partners
experience uncertainty. Research demonstrates that individuals experiencing uncertainty will work to
reduce uncertainty. 2 As research continued, it was determined that it is taboo to talk directly with a
relationship partner about the state-of-the-relationship. 3 Consider your own experiences with dating and
whether it is comfortable to ask or be asked, “so, where are we? Are we dating exclusively, seeing other
people…?” Because of the discomfort of such direct questions, individuals tend to use indirect strategies.
There are seven indirect strategies individuals use to assess the state of their relationship. These
indirect strategies are referred to as . Some secret tests actually invoke negative relational
strategies such as provoking jealousy, deliberately behaving negatively toward a partner, being overly
demanding, intentionally creating distance, and testing a partner through a third party “fidelity check.”
Many secret tests may result in relational hurt or even relationship termination.
Secret tests are labeled directness, endurance, indirect suggestions, public presentation, separation,
third party, and triangle test.
is the least secretive of the strategies and involves asking the relational partner about his/her
feelings toward the relationship and commitment to the relationship. Alternatively, an individual might
disclose their feelings about the relationship with the hope that the relationship partner will reciprocate.
Although this “test” may not feel comfortable at first, it can have positive outcomes and involves open
communication. Though employing this test may lead to answers that one may not want to hear, at least
information is obtained directly from the relationship partner. Research conducted by Melanie Booth-
Interpersonal Communication 500