Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

This tension deals with self vs. others. Some couples are very similar in their thinking and beliefs. This is
good because it makes communication easier and conflict resolution smoother. Yet, if partners are too
similar, then they cannot grow. Differences can help couples mature and create stimulation.
Couples will perceive some things as good and some things as bad. Their perceptions of what is real
may interfere with or inhibit perceptions of what is real. For instance, a couple may think that their
relationship is perfect. But from an outsider, they might think that the relationship is abusive and
devastating.
Another example might be that a young dating couple thinks that they do not have to marry each
other because it is the ideal and accepted view of taking the relationship to the next phase. Thus, the
couples move in together and raise a family without being married. They have deviated from what is an
ideal normative cultural script. 22
Every relationship is fraught with these dialectical tensions. There’s no way around them. However,
there are different ways of managing dialectical tensions:
• Denial is where we respond to one end.
• Disorientation is where we feel overwhelmed. We fight, freeze, or leave.
• Alternation is where we choose one end on different occasions.
• Recalibration is reframing the situation or perspective.
• Segmentation is where we compartmentalize different areas.
• Balance is where we manage and compromise our needs.
• Integration is blending different perspectives.
• Reaffirmation is having the knowledge & accepting our differences.
Not every couple deals with dialectical tensions in the same way. Some will use a certain strategy during
specific situations, and others will use the same strategy every time there is tension. You have to decide
what is best for you based on the situation.
In Chapter 7, we started our discussion of self-disclosure. We discussed Sidney Jourard’s basic definition
of self-disclosure, “the act of making yourself manifest, showing yourself so others can perceive you.” 23
Jourard believed that self-disclosure was necessary to have good mental health. All in all, Jourard took
a very humanistic or health approach to self-disclosure because he deemed that it was an essential and
integral part of our wellbeing.
Individuals disclose for a variety of reasons. Sandra Petronio has presented five potential reasons for
self-disclosure: (a) expression, (b) self-clarification, (c) social value, (d) relationship development, and (e)
social control and influence. 24 Petronio explained, “for each type of disclosure, there is a corresponding
expectation communicated that influences the choice of response.” 25
Four considerations are pertinent to disclosure. 26 First, the type of relationship will affect individuals’
need to disclose. The more significant the disclose is to the discloser, then the greater the need more
to disclose information. Second, the disclosure has a risk-to-benefits ratio. In other words, individuals
who disclose certain types of information, may risk losing certain things (i.e., career or pride) or may
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Interpersonal Communication