Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

A statement of desire expresses an individual’s preference. A romantic partner might state, “the night I
met you, I was more interested in your friend and really wanted to go out with him.” A friend might say,
“Callie has always been a better friend than you.” A parent/guardian with multiple children might state,
“God only gives you one good child.”
Advising Statement
An advising statement calls for a course of action such as “you need to get yourself some help.” One of
the coauthors inadvertently communicated an advising statement when a friend was talking about going
on so many interviews and not getting hired. The coauthor said, “There are courses that offer interview
training. You could take a course in interviewing.” The statement hurt the coauthor’s friend as she was
only seeking comfort and not advice that seemingly indicated she had poor interview skills.
Question
A question is another type of hurtful message which, when asked, implies something negative. A very
direct hurtful question is, “What is wrong with you?” Another subtler question that might be perceived as
hurtful is, “You’ve been at the bank for ten years. Have you been promoted yet?”
Threats
Threats are messages that indicate a desire to inflict harm. Harm can be physical or psychological. For
example, a romantic partner might say, “if you go out with your friends tonight, I’m going to break up
with you.” A direct physical threat is a statement directed toward inflicting bodily harm such as, “I’m
going to knock the crap out of you if you don’t change out of that outfit.”
Jokes
Jokes are another type of hurtful message that involves a prank or witticism. For example, a cousin might
say to his athletically built female cousin, “what’s up quarterback thighs?” implying that the female’s looks
are masculine. In an organization, a coworker could jokingly comment to a supervisor on the supervisor’s
relationship with a subordinate, “I can see who’s really in charge here.” A prank can be hurtful if it
results in humiliating or embarrassing the object of the prank. Pranks are sometimes carried too far.
The Breakfast Club includes a perfect example of a prank carried too far when the jock explains that he
and his wrestling buddies duct-taped the butt cheeks of a nerd. It was meant to be funny, but results in
physical injury to the nerd. Jokes in the form of witticism are often open to interpretation, but hurt may
result if the recipient feels that the sender intended to hurt more so than humor. Pranks that embarrass
or cause physical harm often create emotional pain for the recipient.
Lies
Lies are deceptive speech acts that result in the hurt of the recipient. In an episode of The King of Queens,
Doug tells his wife Carrie that her forehead is too big after she hurt his feelings. He didn’t really feel that
way, but his words resulted in Carrie trying to cover her forehead because she was embarrassed that her
forehead was “too big.” Lies can range from the mundane such as “I was late for dinner because I was on
the phone with my boss.” to “I’m going to San Diego on business.” Lies, when discovered, may result in
feelings of being disrespected or betrayal.
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