Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

thrifty, funny), then later in the relationship that person changes (arrogant, cheap, childish). The person
hasn’t changed. Only our perceptions of them have changed. That is why we focus on perception in a
communication book because often, our perception affects how we communicate. It also has an impact
on what we listen to and how we listen. For instance, when people get married, one person might say, “I
love you! I would die for you,” then a couple of years later, that same person might say, “I hate you! I am
going to kill you!” Their perceptions about the other person will change. 54
Even when people break up, men typically will think about the physical aspects of the relationship
(I gave her a watch, she wasn’t that hot) and women will think about the emotional aspects of the
relationship (I gave him my heart, I really cared about him.). Perception is an interesting thing because
sometimes we think other people have a similar perspective, but as we will see, that is not always the case.
What we pay attention to varies from one person to another. The first step in the perception process is
selection. It determines what things we focus on compared to what things we ignore. What we select to
focus on depends on:
1. Intensity – if it is bigger, brighter, louder in some way. Think about all the advertisements that you
view. If the words are bigger or if the sound is louder, you are more likely to pay attention to it.
Advertisers know that intensity is very important to get people to pay attention.
2. Repetition–It has been said that to get someone to do something, they have to be told three
different ways and three different times. People pay attention to things that repeat because you
can remember it easier. In school, we learn to do things over and over again, because it teaches us
mastery of a skill.
3. Differences – We will pay attention to differences, especially if it is a disparity or dissimilarity to
what commonly occurs. Think about changes or adjustments that you had to deal with in life.
These transformations made you notice the comparisons. For instance, children who go through a
divorce will talk about the differences that they encountered. Children will focus on how things are
different and how it is not the same.
4. Motives/Goals. We tend to pay attention to things for which have a strong interest or desire. If
you love cars, you will probably notice cars more closely than someone else who has no interest in
cars. Another example might be if you are single, then you might notice who is married and who is
not more than someone in a committed relationship.
5. Emotions. Our emotional state has a strong impact on how we view life in general. If we are sad,
we will probably notice other sad faces. The same thing happens when we are happy; we will tend
to notice other happy people. Our emotions can impact how we feel. If we are angry, we might say
things we don’t mean and not perceive how we come across to other people.
The second phase in the perception process is organization, or how we arrange information in our
minds. So, once we have selected what information we pay attention to, our minds try to process it.
Sometimes when this occurs, we engage in stereotyping or attribute certain characteristics to a certain set
of individuals. In other words, we classify or labels others based on certain qualities.
Also, when people organize information in their mind, they can also engage in punctuation, or
establishing the effects and causes in communication behavior. It is more useful to realize that a conflict
situation can be perceived differently by each person, and it is important to focus on “What we can do to
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