Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

Intention
Attention
“Attention involves attending fully to the present
moment instead of allowing ourselves to become
preoccupied with the past or future.” 30 Essentially,
is being aware of what’s happening
internally and externally moment-to-moment. By
internally, we’re talking about what’s going on in
your head. What are your thoughts and feelings? By
externally, we’re referring to what’s going on in your
physical environment. To be mindful, someone must
be able to focus on the here and now. Unfortunately,
humans aren’t very good at being attentive. Our minds
tend to wander about 47% of the time. 31 Some people
say that humans suffer from “monkey mind,” or the
tendency of our thoughts to swing from one idea to
the next. 32 As such, being mindful is partially being
aware of when our minds start to shift to other ideas
and then refocusing ourselves.
“ involves knowing why we are doing what we are doing: our ultimate aim, our vision, and our
aspiration.” 33 So the second step in mindful practice is knowing why you’re doing something. Let’s say
that you’ve decided that you want to start exercising more. If you wanted to engage in a more mindful
practice of exercise, the first step would be figuring out why you want to exercise and what your goals are.
Do you want to exercise because you know you need to be healthier? Are you exercising because you’re
worried about having a heart attack? Are you exercising because you want to get a bikini body before the
summer? Again, the goal here is simple: be honest with ourselves about our intentions.
Attitude
Attention
Attitude
Figure 1.7 Model of Mindfulness
Intention
“ or how we pay attention, enables us to stay open, kind, and curious.” 34 Essentially, we can
all bring different perspectives when we’re attending to something. For example, “attention can have a
cold, critical quality, or an openhearted, curious, and compassionate quality.” 35 As you can see, we can
approach being mindful from different vantage points, so the “attitude with which you undertake the
practice of paying attention and being in the present is crucial.” 36 One of the facets of mindfulness is
being open and nonjudging, so having that “cold, critical quality” is antithetical to being mindful. Instead,
the goal of mindfulness must be one of openness and non-judgment.
So, what types of attitudes should one attempt to develop to be mindful? Daniel Siegel proposed the
acronym COAL when thinking about our attitudes: curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love. 37
1. C stands for curiosity (inquiring without being judgmental).
2. O stands for openness (having the freedom to experience what is occurring as simply the truth,
without judgments).
3. A stands for acceptance (taking as a given the reality of and the need to be precisely where you
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