Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

“Even in the closest, most satisfying relationships, people sometimes say things that hurt each other.” 23
We have all been in the position of having our feelings hurt or hurting the feelings of another. When
feelings are hurt, individuals respond in many different ways. Though hurtful messages have existed since
humans began interacting, it was in 1994 that Anita L. Vangelisti first developed a typology of hurtful
messages. Her work resulted in ten types of messages. 24 She furthered her work by exploring reactions
to hurtful messages. First, we will discuss her typology of hurtful messages, and then we will address how
individuals respond to hurtful messages.
Types of Hurtful Messages
Evaluations
Evaluations are messages that assess value or worth. These messages are a negative assessment of the
other individual that result in hurt. One of the coauthors was once riding in a car with a coworker and
his wife. He was driving and made an error. She said, “You are the worst driver ever.” The moment was
awkward for everyone.
Accusation
The second type of hurtful message is an accusation. Accusations are an assignment of fault or blame.
Any number of topics can be addressed in accusations. A common source of conflict in relationships is
money. An example of an accusation that might arise for conflict over money is “You are the reason this
family is in constant financial turmoil.”
Directives
Directives are the third type of hurtful message, and involve an order or a command. “Go to hell” is
a common directive in some relationships depicted in movies and television, but is a more extreme
example. In everyday interaction, examples might include, “leave me alone,” “don’t ever call me again,”
or “stay away from me.” One of the coauthors remembers a short-lived relationship in which she called
her boyfriend’s house. The boyfriend had told his mother that he was out with her. The phone call
to his house ultimately resulted in the boyfriend being punished for lying, but he relayed a potentially
hurtful message to the coauthor, which was, “Don’t ever call my house unless I ask you to.” As noted, the
relationship was short-lived, but the hurtful message indicating a lack of value for the coauthor’s feelings
still stings.
Informative Statements
Informative statements are hurtful messages that reveal unwanted information. A supervisor might reveal
the following to an employee: “I only hired you because the owner made me.” Siblings might reveal “I
never wanted a younger sister” or “When Mother was dying, she told me I was her favorite.” Friends
might say something like, “When you got a job at the same place as me, I felt smothered.” Informative
messages reveal information that could easily be kept a secret, but are intended to hurt.
Statement of Desire
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Interpersonal Communication