Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

evaluative. 26 So, how do we navigate the need to be accepted and the reality of being judged? A lot of this
is involved in the negotiation of the friendship itself. Although we may not appreciate receiving criticism
from others, Liang argues that criticism demonstrates to another person that we value them enough
to judge. 27 Now, can criticism become toxic? Yes. Maybe you’ve experienced a friend who criticized
everything about you. Perhaps it got to the point where it felt that you needed to change pretty much
everything about how you look, act, think, feel, and behave just to be “good enough” for your friend.
If that’s the case, then that friend is clearly not criticizing you for your betterment but for her/his/their
desires.
Expressiveness/Protectiveness
The final interactional dialectic is expressiveness/protectiveness. This dialectic questions the degree to
which we want to express ourselves in our friendships while determining how much not to express to
protect ourselves. As we discussed earlier in this book, social penetration theory starts with the basic
idea that in our initial interactions with others we disclose a wide breadth about ourselves. Still, these are
primarily surface level topics (e.g., what’s your major, what are your hobbies, where are you from). As
time goes on, the number of topics we express decreases, but they become more personal (depth). In a
friendship relationship, we have to navigate this breadth and depth in deciding what we express and what
we protect.
Ultimately, this is an issue of vulnerability. When we open ourselves up to people and express
those deeper parts of ourselves, there is an excellent likelihood that disclosure of these areas could
cause greater harm to the individual self-disclosing if the information got out. For example, one of our
coauthors had a friendship sour after our coauthor’s friend started talking to our coauthor’s parents about
our coauthor’s sexual orientation. Our coauthor saw this as a massive violation of the confidentiality of
what was self-disclosed in their friendship. This friend still speaks to our coauthor’s parents 20 years later,
but our coauthor hasn’t spoken to this former friend since the trust was violated. All friendships are an
exploration of what can be expressed and what needs to be protected. We all have some friends that we
keep at arm’s length because we know we need to protect ourselves, since they tend towards being overly
chatty or gossipy. At the same time, we have other friends who get to see the real us as we protect less and
less of ourselves in those friendships. No one will ever completely know what’s going on in our heads, but
deep friendships probably come the closest and also make us the most vulnerable.
Mindfulness Activity
In a 2018 survey of readers, the magazine mindful explored the qualities of
good friendships, “(38%) was a friend’s propensity for understanding. Next
was 29% for trustworthiness, followed by 13% for compassion. Another 15%
of the vote was divided between positivity, generosity, sense of humor, and
sharing similar interests and passions. Finally, 5% of respondents named other
qualities, such as self-awareness and honesty.” 28
For this activity, we want you to think about how you can become more
mindful of your friendships. Here are three things you can do: be present, try
something new, and practice compassion and kindness. 29 Think about your friendships and answer the
following questions:
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