Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

friendships in the United States. Sadly, these relationships aren’t given much credence in the public
space. For example, there are no laws protecting friendships. Your friends can’t get health benefits from
your job. Religious bodies don’t recognize your friendships. As you can see, we’re comparing friendships
here to marriages, which do have religious and legal protections. In fact, in the legal system, the family
often trumps friends unless there is a power of attorney or will.
As a significant historical side note, one of the biggest problems many gay and lesbian couples faced
before marriage legalization was that their intimate partners were perceived as “friends” in the legal
system. Family members could swoop in when Partner A died and evict and confiscate all of Partner
A’s money and property unless there was an iron-clad will leaving the money and property to Partner
B. From a legal perspective, marriage equality was very important in ensuring the rights of LGBTQIA
individuals and their spouses.
On the opposite end of this dialectic, many friendship bonds are as strong if not stronger than familial
or marital bonds. We voluntarily enter into friendships and create our sense of purpose and behaviors
outside of any religious or legal context. In essence, these friendships are autonomous and outside of
social strictures that define the lines of marital bonds. Instead of having a religious organization dictate
the morality of a relationship, friendships ultimately develop a sense of morality that is based within the
relationship itself.
Ideal/Real
From the moment we are born, we start being socialized into a wide range of relationships. Friendship
is one of those relationships. We learn about friendships from our family, schools, media, peers, etc.…
With each of these different sources of information, we develop an ideal of what friendship should be.
However, friendships are not ideals; they are real, functioning relationships with plusses and minuses.
This dialectic also impacts how we communicate and interact within the friendship itself. If our culture
tells us that people must be reserved and respectful in private, then a simple act of laughing with another
person could be an outward sign of friendship.
It’s important to understand that friendships change over time; along with how we interact within those
friendships. For communication scholars, Rawlins help us understand how
communicative behavior happens within friendships. 24 Rawlins noted four primary communicative
dialectics for friendships: independence/dependence, affection/instrumentality, judgment/acceptance,
and expressiveness/protectiveness.
Independence/Dependence
First and foremost, friendships are voluntary relationships that we choose. However, there is a constant
pull between the desire to be an independent person and the willingness to depend on one’s friend. Let’s
look at a quick example. A few weeks ago, you and one of your friends both mentioned that you wanted
to see a new film getting released. A few weeks later, it’s a Friday afternoon and you’re done with class
or work. The movie was released that day, so you go and watch a matinee. You decided to engage in
behavior without thought of your friend. You acted independently. It’s also possible that you know your
friend hates going to the movies, so engaging independent movie watching behavior is very much in line
with the norms you’ve established within your friendship.
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