Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

interests in research would lead her to the understanding of dialectical tensions. She continued to
research these subjects and read as much as she could on Marxist and Hegelian dialectics as she
found these writings to be both fascinating and frustrating. She processed these writings slowly, and
the concepts slowly began to show up in her work. In 1993, Baxter and Montgomery began writing
a book on dialectics called Relating: Dialogues and Dialectics. This was her first official work done on
dialectics and its conversational effects. She continued writing about dialectics and continued to expand
the concepts as she further researched families, romantic relationships, and friendships. Since then,
Baxter has continually changed and shifted her studies to find new and better ways to use the theory.
After conducting a series of in-depth interviews, both Baxter and Montgomery began to see themes
in the tensions experienced in romantic relationships. Their overarching research premise (which is
applicable to all relationships, including mother/daughter relationships) is that all personal ties and
relationships are always in a state of constant flux and contradiction. Relational dialectics highlight a
“dynamic knot of contradictions in personal relationships; an unceasing interplay between contrary or
opposing tendencies.” 20 The concept of contradiction is crucial to understanding relational dialectics. The
contradiction is when there are opposing sides to a situation. These contradictions tend to arise when
both parties are considered interdependent. Dialectical tension is natural and inevitable. All relationships
are complex because human beings are complex, and this fact is reflected in our communicative
processes. Baxter and Montgomery argue that tension arises because we are drawn to the antitheses of
opposing sides. These contradictions must be met with a “both/and” approach as opposed to the “either/
or” mindset. However, the “both/and” approach lends to tension and pressure, which almost always
guarantees that relationships are not easy.
is how individuals deal with struggles in their relationship. There are opposing
forces or struggles that couples have to deal with. It is based on Leslie Baxter and Barbara Montgomery’s
Relational Dialectics Theory in 1996. Below are some different relational dialectics. 21
This is where partners seek involvement but are not willing to sacrifice their entire identity. For instance,
in a marriage, some women struggle with taking their partner’s last name, keeping their maiden name or
combining the two. Often when partners were single, they might have engaged in a girl’s night out or a
guy’s night out. When in a committed relationship, one partner might feel left out and want to be more
involved. Thus, struggles and conflict occur until the couple can figure out a way to deal with this issue.
This deals with rituals/routines compared to novelty. For instance, for some mothers, it is tough to accept
that their child is an adult. They want their child to grow up, at the same time it is difficult to recognize
how their child has grown up.
Disclosure is necessary, but there is a need for privacy. For some couples, diaries work to keep things
private. Yet, there are times when their partner needs to know what can’t be expressed directly through
words.
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